MMFB WEEK 9

 Vol. 7, No. GFY

Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I’m sure some of you have been chattering, whispering sweet nothings. “Anyone heard from the chief?” “Guy is so quiet one of his signature farts would topple over a stack of pringle chips across the room.” Don’t worry about me….I’ve been in Phil Collins mode, reflecting…focusing on the things that make me happy, as Fantasy Football sure as hell doesn’t do that damn trick anymore.

A quick video of me, rocking Jav’s hit man heart sunglasses, and my life copilot Eddie, who have together endured the past rocky month at Jackson by giving each other a helping hand…err…emotional support. 

THERE WAS NO HELPING HANDS, I REPEAT, HANDS OFF

(fast forward to :50 seconds)

1:12: Eddie glances over, gives his eyes that ask the question, “Did I feed Toby in the past 3 days?” I ignore. The answer is no. The answer is always no.

1:35: Eddie cocks his gun. DAMN’T WHY….1:35: Eddie checks his ammo, make sure he has enough to UNLOAD a full clip.

1:46: “How much time do I got?”- Chief. “4 weeks left to pull your head out of your ass”- Eddie.

2:33: Pulls up to Big Jav’s Café. I ring my granny.

“Abuela…I need to know something abuela. The way you used to cater to me, I don’t mean lately with a boliche here and 36 pack of TP there, but before…when I was an unstoppable Fantasy God…it was…real…wasn’t?”

“Creo que si…me cago en tu madre y tu hermano que esta aqui arrascandose sus huevos rancheros que si. Eric, que te pasa.”

“(Looks at roster…Looks at the ass backwards lucky teams in this league). Nothing Abuela. (clicks).”

4:27: We pull up Andres about to clock in at work at Lowes and beat the Nicaraguan donkey piss out of him.

I’M GOING INTO THE GOODS!

3 UP

Don Pan- As I told him this morning after his weekend in Colombia, Rene, you da real MVP. The Jacomino hero checks in at the top spot for tossing some finely white, coarse limestone onto my luxuriously built tomb.  Beefmode came to life for the first time in 6 weeks, #ofcourse, Brady gronked out at home and that’s all she wrote. A big win for a team that needed and a man on a Monday IV who needed it even more.

The Den- The John Vanbriesbouck of Porn, or the Ron Jeremy of Hockey, takes the 2^nd topper for his torrid tear through the League.  Even with Mick Foley going down and Arian crashing back down to the emergency room, Jav has been riding the ever open Jeremy Maclin to victory and is poised to do that…if, he can survive the big ty guy tonight. More on that later!

Sgt. Mafio and Sunday Suckdown- America’s least favorite Sheman Scout and most favorite Mahatma Gandhi cross the 3 up finish line together. These two stepped their Halloween game up, without taking it to ghoulish levels of Dfern!, and it paid off on Sunday. Gronk and Tanny headline performances for two squads that started Jonathan? Randle and Marques Colston. If someone wants an auto 3 up for next Halloween, please rock an Eat a Booty Gang Shirt and have your girl walk around with two fake saggers down to the ground like Brooklyn.

 3 DOWN

Very easy this week. Me and the other two dildos hunkered down at the bottom. For the 2^nd time this year, Dinero fails to start a defense and chalks it up to stupidity, not apathy, which I can appreciate. Davey’s kicker outscored his quarterback, and for me? Just a big ole floppy pair of tits in my fache.

DFERN’S CHERRY RED HEEL ALL STARS

 These are called mojito reds. Something tells me Dfern approves of these. My shoe game is on point at least this year. 

-Jeremy Hill- clutches lottery ticket, weeps.

-Jeremy Maclin- Turtle Power

-Jeremy Roethlisberger- So..many…teeders.

-Jeremy Tannyhill- Ahora si!

CMON MON

-Philip Rivers- NEGATIVO. You will eat the Grimes cock cake and you will LIKE it. CMON MON!

-Pierre Escargot- 3 piece. You French tickler. CMON MON!

- Denver D- The worst high Colorado has seen since Lou’s recent trip. NEGATIVO. CMON MON!

-Rene’s entire team- Dropping little deucers everywhere and still good enough. CMON MON!

- Jay? Randle- 0.2 points. MY LIFE. CMON MON!

Who I like on Monday night, and I mean it’s time to watch last night’s Homeland in peace:

Ah, perhaps my favorite Monday Morning Fullback segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. Up to 7-3 after splitting the last week. Much like a turkey bowl game, Kebron is hanging on tight to Ruben. Much like a turkey bowl game, I don't see Ruben doing enough to put you over the top. Andres wins. In the other match, Raul is loving himself the big TY, but I don't see the Ty guy magic happening tonight. Jav by a whisker. In the last game up for grabs, Dinero has Harry Larry and Reggie Wayne on tap and this was one week he could have used a defense. RFP hangs on by a thread as well to bring home the W. On that note, I'll leave you with the only thing that makes me smile today.

 -KC CHIEFS