MMFB Week 2

Vol. 7 No. 2

Monday morning, week 2 and my step has already been de-pepped. A 24 style MMFB in the works as in 2 hours I will be stepping foot on a bus bound for Tampa Bay to go to the Rays vs. Yankees game tonight, followed by a lovely breakfast with the Tampa Bay Lightning tomorrow morning. That’s right, Tampa Bay HELL. But in the spirit of 24, I must soldier on through this column Chief Bauer style…with the Machucando constituency serving as the woefully prepared henchmen standing in my way. JUDO CHOP TO THE JUGULAR …NUT PUNCH…NUT PUNCH…DICK PINCH…NIP RIP….GRUNDLE KICK…GRUNDLE KICK…GRUNDLE KICK…SHNOZZ HONK…GRUNDLE KICK...

Sorry, got carried away working the tender grundle. Alas, this E.Honda-Chun Li Chief display is also an accurate tactical summary of Week 2 in the NFL.  Fantasy players were getting slaughtered left and right, and if you somehow escaped unscathed, well who gives a flying flippity fucking fuck you cheater. Everyone needs to hold on tight and band together with their roster. Reminds me of the lone high point of the weekend, a sensational Saturday night GGCOM. When push comes to shove, you can always count on these guys to say the truth and party on for the orange and blue. No smoke and mirrors. No dog and pony.  Something one can learn to appreciate as we all get a little older, and in some few cases, a little wiser. So a tip of the hat to Richie, Raul and Dfern for just being some good ole fashioned honest Gators. Onto the goods!

THREE UP

The Bank- These days, a Chief vs. Bank showdown might as well be a bye week for Smitty, who’s got my number in recent matchups…years…decades…WHATEVER.  Aaron Rodgers tossed teeders, Matt Stafford did not, and that’s all it took to give Willy B his first dub of the young season. Extra thumb up…my ass….for scooping and scoring with the Bobby Rainey starts. 

Beard Papa- Ohhh, beard papa (sung to the tone of Oh Big Papa, Papa Johns commercial). Not even a CMON MON appearance from Torrey Smith could hold Davey back on Sundee as he made his way to the Toyota Tundra win of the week.  Jordy’s 30 burger and New England defense doing some unspeakable things to Minnesota and Matt Asiago cheese was all he needed to go big in week 2.

Graduated Bama Nio – Can’t say I’ll ever get tired of writing that name in 2014! South Florida’s favorite caterer / chauffer came through and showed he loves the Machucando lasagna more than Garfield. This Alabama fat cat rode Dez and Gio to victory over a Dinero team that woke up today more hungover than Kevin Olsen after a round of drinks with Bacon at the Rat.

 

THREE DOWN

 Don Pan- Holyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy shit. If it wasn’t for a tight end play tonight, we might have had our first sub 50 of the year. A pair of goose eggs from AJ and Shittsburgh / Pittsturd did him in, and CJ2K showed his true colors…gangreeeeeen. The bigger takeaway here, and from everywhere as a whole, is that with a two week sample size, thus begins TRADING season. And if I know my man Don Pan, he’s already in the war room, two neuman’s deep, ready to fire up the red phone.

 

Sgt. Mafiol- -Ace chew- The toast of GGCOM, but for all the wrong reasons, Rubz gets second rotten banana for trying, and failing, to hustle some hustlers….again. A 48 hour British manhunt exposed the truth, as Rubz  singlehandedly spun a 3 month trip to Gainesville in the making to an unsurprisingly selfish solo drive down to the Keys that might as well have been the O.J. Simpson white bronco making a break for it. A swan dive into Johnny's arms might have softened the blow for the big tuna, but rest assured, the folks are heated. On behalf of Machucando, GGCOM and “Bosstin Powers,” © here’s a special UK sign off for you:

KC Chiefs- Ay mama! Someone trade me a snickers bar conio. I feel like the Dolphins backfield right now, except I will NEVER EVER SIGN DANIEL THOMAS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! One missed 40 yard bomb to Megatron was the lone play standing (a 25 point swing) standing between me and victory, but thems  the breaks when your backfield is falling apart and your friend tries to pull a fast one on ya.

THE DFERN CHERRY RED HEELS ALL-STARS

For the Fantasy performers who catered to you, while keeping eye contact without blinking for one millisecond:

-Baby Feet Gates

-Gordy Nelson

-El Jeemy

-Bench Marshall

-Alfie (always)

CMON MON

For the Fantasy performers, or ill made decisions made by their GM’s, that submarined your chances at winning.

-Dolphins defense- NEGATIVO! Daniel Thomas’ fault. CMON MON

-New Orleans D- TWO PIECE. Again with these guys?! CMON MON

-Colston – GOOSE EGG! The Brees blows thataway! CMON MON

-Jamaal Charles- ONE PIECE! DE PEEPS! CMON MON

-Knoshown- Sleep well, fare caballo. .4! CMON MON

-Seattle D- Legion of AY MAMA! GOOSE EGG. CMON MON

Who I like on Monday night, and I mean, you do de cody parkey and you turn yourself around, that’s what its all about!

Ah, perhaps my favorite Monday Morning Fullback segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. That’s right folks, after a year of waiting, the Monday night chief picks are BACK. Some see this space as a signature jinxy cat, while others take these picks straight to Bovada and cash in. One year, I almost ran the table. The next year, I couldn’t pick a booger. Onto the picks! KC Chiefs favorite Big Jav needs 57 points from Foley, Maclin and a Kicker to take Ferriberto the glue factory, but I got el Caballo squeaking this one out. Sucka Free needs an 8 spot to welcome the rookie to the big league, and TY gets it. And in the final matchup, a team needs 22 points to topple Jimmy Johnson's Big Chill frequent card member Rubz. Karma was the kase! Shady tips the scales for a 23 piece.

Till next week!

KC CHIEFS