MMFB Week 1

WELCOME BACK!

 

Vol 7.  No. 1

Tuesday morning after week 1 and I’m sitting here at work hornier than Felipe Valls watching Nuestra Belleza Latina. Every click of the mouse takes me one step further and further from Machucando Draft Day, which is both a good and bad thing as I continue to reel with a mean green cough coming as a result of catching a windy, and if my taste buds do recall correctly, nutty Brooklyn fart down the ole windpipe.  Alas, it is with great pleasure that I reintroduce Machucando’s paper of record, the fan favorite Monday Morning Fullback. 

Now in my 7^th year writing this weekly column, I will continue to do my best to document the weekend that was while equally calling you all out for your personal and Machucando transgressions that piss me off. The format will remain the same, with a few wrinkles. I will play favorites. I will be biased. And most of all, I will bring the steel drums.

But before I dive into Week 1, I will make one last callout to all league members. Aside from KeBron pushing aside everything this league stands for and sabotaging the league with a vote for an auction draft and Brooklyn transforming into Charlize Theron in ‘Monster’ on her way following the unspeakable things that were done to her in the 2.45 hours she was at Jackson Hole, the draft was a tremendous success. Special MMFB shout outs go to Rubz and the good folks at Deco Tee’s for providing us with dri fits that are currently brushing up against the baby face of Elias Enriquez, Dinero for showing up on time, Smitty for providing a delicious meal and the respective members of all the predraft subcommittees I formed including, Rene and Dfern. We, as a league, must continue to keep momentum going on the boards. D$, I see you posting DAILY on CanesInSight, chastising Bacon for flying a flag, while still acknowledging Golden as a pig faced Ron Zook. Bring the Honky Herald back on a monthly basis at the least. Smitty, likewise. Hold the flan and grace us with The Bank’s receipt roll on a bi-weekly basis. Sprinkle in some of Ruben and Dfern’s league favorite dog shit posts, Andres’ misspelled tales from Tuscaloosa, Big Jav’s big poon rankings and callouts and whatever gibberish Richie will be posting throughout the year if he wants to keep his spot, and folks, we have an active Machucando. The MMFB will do its part, but the onus falls on each and everyone you of you to continue elevating this league to new heights, or the lowest of lows….Brooklyn’s fine floppy saggertons.

ONTO THE GOODS!

THREE UP

KC Chiefs-  Well, that was nicer than my ghetto waiter at Duffy’s heaping rewards on me courtesy of my MVP Card. Triple 30 burgers out of Orange, Stafford and Calveen were literally all I needed to curb stomp Dfern’s doo doo platter of poor decisions: New Orleans defense, hitching his wagon to Tony Romo and wearing a wool suit to his engagement party. Coming out of the gate, I’m underestimating my team and believe it is in shambles, but for 1 week, you guys get to witness an all too familiar sight over the years: me at the top of the standings by a wide margin. Me fui!

Blooching- The man who smells like agua de violetas and Machu’s 1^st proud papa gets the second bear hug for the Chief. Unanimously voted worst draft via a MMFB straw vote, D$ rose from the ashes like (no Canes football representative applicable here for joke) to pull off a double digit win over long time rival Smitty. Knowshown showcased his Firriberto caballoness and Hyde Lounge plunked one in to salvage the day. Congrats D$, and remember, those toddler playsets are not meant for a man of your size. 

Don Pan- Third spot goes by a whisker, or whatever is going on with Andres’ hair, to Rene. Another one who got chased out of the room on draft night (and straight into the Jackson Hole terraza for a Bill Clinton esque gritty with Brooklyn), Rene caught big squeeker performances from AJ Green, Beef Moe and Cool and Dre to stop Andres from doing 2 am jumping jacks in my living room last night. Good job on sending that turkey from Champ to Chump. Initiate the chase for Allen Hurns!

THREE DOWN

El Caballo – The two tight end machine went the way of El Caballo’s waist line. All FAT. Ruben Randle dropped the one point delight and Sunday was TD-less for the most part for Kebron’s squad. I’d chalk it up to X,Y,Z, but we know what happened here. Just the Machucando gods striking you down for turning your back on the league on draft night. 

Beard Papa- Sweet Davey. If only every trip south could be as glorious as Machucando and not that OTHER event you came down for this weekend.  A sturdy roster comes crumbling down by way of a 12 foot Subway sandwich, served by none other than RG3. A coworker who watched the Skins game this weekend told me they looked the WORST of any team in the NFL on offense. Alas, the Alaskan king Crabtree also did you in from beating a beatable opponent who’s name the Fullback won’t mention.

Sunday Suckdown- If it isn’t Yahoo’s gift sent to Machu to run the table on the perfect season. That’s something along the lines of that automated shit Gilette soaked Yahoo wrote to give you a chub. Surviving negative points from Bernard Pierce, Victor Cruz’s continued lack of salsa and a human performance from Charles, your squad could end up gobbling up some permanent real estate on this side of the column…WAIT…(checks to see if you’ve crossed me or double crossed me)…your good…for now.

THE DFERN CHERRY RED HEELS ALL-STARS

For the Fantasy performers who catered to you, while keeping eye contact without blinking for one millisecond:

-Matty Ice- Both Stafford and Ryan.

-Orange J.

-Leveon Bell

-Hitman Hurns

CMON MON

For the Fantasy performers, or ill made decisions made by their GM’s, that submarined your chances at winning. And it goes like this!

New Orleans D- NEGATIVO ONE POINT! Jambalayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. CMON MON!

Bernard Pierce- NEAGTIVO!!!! Never trust a man or woman named Bernard. Just don’t. CMON MON!

St. Louis D- GOOSE EGG!! Somewhere, Eddie sings St. Lunatics with a  vanilla voice. CMON MON!

Larry Fitz- Two points! A year late, a buck short. CMON Mon!

Bet your ass the Monday night Chief picks will return next week in all their glory. Until then, here’s to a long sleepless night for the waiver hawks, a rocky week for the bravado filled and a big W for the Chief. 

Until next time, 

 

KC Chiefs in Paradise