MMFB WEEK 7

Vol. 6 No. 7

Machucando peasants walk into the room single file quietly after an eventful Sunday. Some grumbling. Some cara mierdas. Some faces looking X___X. All of a sudde----

(CHIEF STORMS IN) HOH HOH HOH HOH BOY I JUST SHIT A LEFT A TURD THE SIZE OF A NEWBORN MOROCCAN INFANT ON THE TOILET AND I FEEL LIGHT AS A FEATHER.

Top of the aftermorning to all of the league salchipapas hunkered down in their respective offices, cubicles, beds, desks or bathrooms. It is Monday and it looks ugly out there folks. I’m talking end of the night, Andres’ army of dudes looking for the final haunted hippo on the LIV dance floor type ugly. The intro recap continues to be a low point for the trusty MMFB…the Gators are playing like 4C without KeBron. I am already toeing the line between throwing a brick through Jeremy Foley’s office that reads, BRING ME CORCH SUMLIN, and trumpeting the horn to keep Muschamp in the hopes Will Grier, Ermon “Money” Lane and Dalvin Cook can save this program. Literal dark horse = Charlie Strong. Provided he doesn’t end up in North Florida with Teddy BridgeH20 wearing Jags gear. As for the Fins….PINGA. Monday prediction: Tom Brady, I hope thy body is ready.

Onto the Goods!

3 UP

Oye- PARTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! © Tag Team Intro.  Behold Machucando, your now non-winless behemoth. After a week of hunkering down in the shadows, ignoring your trade requests, texts and general peasantry, Jav emerged from the frosty tundra like a ground hog peeking his head out of the stump.  But this ground hog wasn’t just peeking his head out for fun. No sir. He saw his reeling opponent and said GIMME THE WHEEL YOU SALTY MOJON.

(Pictured: Jav on my lap)

In the battle for lower matacumbe supremacy, only one King could claim the Keys. Powered by Megatron and MAH BOAY the Tootsie Roll Tolbear, all props go to Big Jav this week for breaking into the win column.

El Lechon- What a week for this little pork belly. Call it the week of QUEEZZEE. I heard more about this A-Town enano and B. Jakes this week than one human could handle, alas, it all paid off after the Giants’ Frankenturd pulled up lame in practice. QUEEZEE put in work, Stafford Staffed and Don Francisco unleashed the chacal….and for the first time in the history of Machucando at ANY point, Kebron will be in first place. If you screw this up…

Sucka Free- (ducks old tennis shoe; side swipes rotten tomato; gets hit with a can of leche condensada right in the shnozz) DAMN’T. I’m sorry. I know Machucando gets disgusted when Dfern’s team, replete with goose eggs, tight end roulette and garbage time warriors, gets love in this column. But you can’t fake 126 points. No sir, just not my FORTE. (BOOOOS GROW LOUDER). My god….what have I don---

THREE DOWN

Sgt. U.O.N.E.O. – The talk of the Flannigans table early Sunday afternoon, a G-Chat warrant has been issued for the whereabouts of one best known as MAFIOL. With his haunches deeply dug in to the belief his team is GOAT status, the ole sargento string cheese gets this week’s first pankay de Jamaica. Arian’s bum hammy finally caught up to him and the fact Foster stripped into street clothes faster than the Chief switching into cansonsillos and his x-box after work does not bode well. Even worse? Week 8 = a date versus the hopefully upswing chief.  

The Bank – A foreign spot for our latest local. The Bank is subbing bars of gold for rolls of quarters in his inventory as the injury bug has enveloped his team like a swarm of locusts. RIP Hamster de Muscle, Alshon’s QB’s groin his hurting, Reggie B and his QB’s have been bit. One thing you can’t take away. Those 4 wins. Yes sir, they are bankable and mean Willy B just needs to hit gold a few more times. But for this week, a de de dedde de de that’s all folks!

O.W.G.W. – Why lookee at the timing here….put on atomic Machucando blast, and all of a sudden, Julio Jones and Matt Schaub are dropped, but nary a peep from the sandy nutsack. Don Panini should be in this spot as Tones still has a shot tonight. However, when the Chief has you on his hit list….it’s like waving some kibbles and tits in front of CHOP. Only three ways out of this lose lose uncle Tones. 1.) You beat Rubz. 2.) You bring some substance to the boards (Titties, Aces, Funnies, an admittance you didn’t claim Joseph Randall because you were too busy not doing anything) 3.) You call someone out.

CMON MON, done GTA style

MILES AUSTIN- MON over my Hammi. GOOSE EGG. CMON MON!

NICK FOLES- An unLUCKy choice. 5 piece spicy nuggets. CMON MON!

TRENT RICHARDSON- Roll Tide Daddo. 1 point. CMON MON!

DENVER D- Oh looky here, a pair of rockey mountain oysters. GOOSE EGG. CMON MON!

BILAL POWELL- BYAH! BYAH! © Howard Dean Chapelle. GOOSE EGG. CMON MON!

LARRY – ONE, TWO, THREE, FOH, FITZZZZZ. 2 points. CMON MON!

Who I like on Monday night, and I mean, IT’S THE MINNESOTA MIRACLE MAN GORDON BOMBAY:

Ah, perhaps my favorite Monday Morning Fullback, the Monday Night Chief picks. Surprisingly, still have a few games left in the balance. Tones is down 18, but he’s holding a flop in Greg Jennings. YEEZUS WINS. Meanwhile, in stuff that matters, yours truly is holding a 17 point lead over Andresh with each of us trotting out a Giant receiver. Salsa trumps osteoporosis. Chiefs WIN. Let me end this with some final props. Tip of the kangol cap to D$ for delivering a mesmerizing Honky Herald. His once every 3 weeks per clip is more than I can ask for, and I appreciate your efforts in giving this league the love it deserves. Also, that Braxton Berrios story probably changed my life for the better, and I look forward to him being the first white Canes skill W/R player on the offensive side of the ball this century. 

Till next week, I will be watching tonight like Dennis: 

 -KC CHIEFS