MMFB Week 5

Vol. 6 No. 5

Greetings violent sneezahs! For the first time this season, the hot and ready Monday Morning Fullback arrives at your doorstep 24 hours later. The late delivery is a predictable one, usually reserved for Monday’s where I am either too cocinado to operate (read: always) or too busy with work to deliver the goods for Machucando (read: never). Yesterday’s Walking Dead Chief came as a direct result of Gentlemen’s Weekend II: Return of the Gentlemen. Or the Gentlemen Strike Back if that’s your cup of tea, which it was, provided your tea is a Beijing cocktail.

Rubz, Dfern and I came, saw and Cantina’d, squeezing in a few hour of sleep between two days of viviendo la vida in one not-so-lucky undergraduate’s apartment. I can only provide so much detail as Rubz has put me under a gag order and is standing outside the Chief’s vault serving as the Huell to my Saul Goodman…no one goes in, nothing comes out. But a few choice highlights were pre-approved for me to break off crumbs to you like nerd reporters at a Saban press conference, including: someone destroyed the guest bathroom in a drunken haze, escape to the bingers, Cousin’s galore, a near ambulance arrival and a morning fart concierto. I know I know…it’s not much, but Rubz is hoarding all the juicy deets. Fuck it, I know what you guys want to know about the Chief’s weekend so I will leave this Legend of the Hidden Temple three tiered monkey puzzle below for you to figure out:

ONTO THE GOODS!

3 UP

Don Pan- Week 4’s top points scorer and 8^th place resident is a force to be reckoned with as he came two points away from straight up doubling Big Jav. Rene had 5 dudes go 20 piece and even his kicker came 4 points shy of tieing Jav’s middling Matt Ryan. The future looks bright for the bocadito bandit heading into Week 6, provided bright = a date with the Chief in the eternal darkness that blanketed Gainesville this weekend. Ralfi approves:

Blooching- Doth my eyes deceive me? No sir. Lifelong Machucando pretender D$ sits atop the standings 1/3 of the way through the season after absolutely POUNDING Mafiol into submission. 2013 has proven to be the year of DMoney thus far. Hell, his Week 1 honky herald brought more to the table then Jav, Tones and a slew of others have COMBINED this year. His squad maybe the most sturdy out of all them, so I’m officially moving the needle on Daniel Money to contender. 

Parrot Heads- A slam dunk choice for the third beej, Sacofila is rolling in the deep after smashing the book of Manning over my dome. Hell, I’m not even mad. I for one welcome our new insect overlords. Peyton was enough to overcome a goose egg on defense for a proven Parrotheads squad that will remain in the mix as long as the Broncos are cheating.

3 DOWN

Oye People- Oye people…my sweet, sweet people. I dip my toe in the Machucando dungeon for the first time in the better part of a decade and find Big Jav with his eyes adjust to the darkness like a horny lemur and snacking on a rat sandwich. I haven’t seen Pepe Billete / Razor Ramon worked this badly since Smitty went on a racist Twitter tirade (and lost) on the felt Mr. 305. It’s Jimmy Graham and a whole lotta nothing for Jav, who I expect to make a trade in the near future for a running back with two legs.

DaveYeezus- We got a bleeder! Yee olde Davey had a choice opportunity to take down a hobbled Mike Vick, but squandered it behind the par for the course middling Bowe / Wilson / D’Angelo trio. Commissioner Gordon has been a nice consolation prize on the come up, and with a top 3 standing, all is well for another guy who has been a Machucando punching bag in the past. NO MOAR, says Davey, who will ride A. Rodg’s doublecheck as far as it takes him.

Graduated Bama- Now we here! The third salted snail goes to the Mr. Hanky draped in houndstooth. A floundering T. Brady is the root of Andres troubles, with an unemployment filing in around problem No. 62. I for one celebrate it, he ain’t worried about nothing haaaaaaaaaaaaan. A pencil thin team hoarding two defenses is on life support, but as long as he is streaming out of Story at 4 am post waiver wire unlockage, there is some upside here.

CMON MON

LaMON Miller- Shout out to Daniel Thomas, 1 point! CMON MON!

Kenbriell MONkins- Kenbrell, teach Brady how to dance. 2.5 points! CMON MON!

Stevie MONson- Docta said I need a backeotomy! 2 points! CMON MON!

MONques Colston- Who would trade for this flat footed piece of gumbo shit? (PROCEEDS TO SAUCE AND TOSS ME WEEK 6) CMON MON!

No Monday night picks, but I made them in my head and I promise you they were way off.

I’ll be in the Machu basement if you need me, I swear I’m doing fine. 

Till next week!

-KC CHIEFS