MMFB WEEK 6

Vol. 6 No. 5

Greetings gents! I apologize to the men of Machucando and corporate America as a whole for my general uselessness today. I made the mistake of starting my day by searching the hashtag #regatta on Instagram, Twitter and bitch don’t kill my Vine. I’ve since spent the day falling down the randy, butt shaking bottomless pit of fine dimes, sleek cheeks and busty bustiers. I’m talking BOTTOMLESS. I feel like Ozzie Smith in the Simpsons, only if he was ROCK HARD and knocking over “Nantucket Blend” K-Cups at the office Keurig Machine.

 Needless to say that’s my intro. Fins were off, Gators are perpetually off, and the only Machucando dude I saw this weekend, aside from the living breathing Hollanade mold known as Kebron, was from sausage sampler himself at OktoFERNfest.

And for the MOAR BOAR’s of the league who’s fox ears I’ve perked with the above, feel free to indulge and ask yourself, “Why didn’t I accept that invite on Andres’ dudes only catamaran this weekend?” Link: http://www.pageqsports.com/2013/10/miami-columbus-day-regatta-pictures-2013/

ONTO THE GOODS YOU UNGRATEFULY HORNY TOADS!

3 UP

Graduated Bama? NIO! – Well slap my bird chest and call me Susan, we have a chamaco sighting. This week’s first salutation goes to the charity fund seeking turd burglar known as Andres. The Mouth of the South did the damn thing this weekend behind steady eddie Jamal Charles and slump buster AJ Green. Toss in T-Brady wearing a garbage man suit and you have the makings of a fantasy slapdown. Now, who’s looking forward to watch Andres start Mendenhall at Seattle week 7 due to injuries. ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL TURDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

KC Chiefs- HANNNNNNNNNNN. After weeks upon weeks of dragging myself to this column dejected by loss, it’s only right I do a barrel roll, remove 4 ribs and start going to town on my own hog.  My favorite Moreno went for a 30 burger and the Rams D rammed Houston to the tune of 29 points. Sprinkle in jumping Jordan Reed and you have all the makings of a team two reports away from fire bombing the entire Gronkoswski family. SORRY. I mean, a team on the moderate rise….yes, rise. (growling at Gronk)

Parrot Heads – SIKE. I ain’t praising anyone not locked in an office on this fake holiday Columbus Day. Andres, you’re excluded because “office” also can be “taking a fake shit at mom’s house chiefing in the shower next to the window.”

3 DOWN

Oye People- People…my sweet, sweet people. At 0-6,  Jav is leading the charge to feed Machucando and conversely, getting dangerously close to the insta-veto range. Give me Jimmy Graham and his broken foot while there is still time you Machucando vampire! Oye people, dead and loving it:

Sucka Free- (Giving you the Rick James waive into the basement) With CJK sputtering out in Tennessee, Dfern finds himself in this week’s 3 down strictly because the injury bug. This bug looks like its of the creepy crawler variety, the type that sneaks into your pajama onesie and has you tossing and turning all night. Cobb and Cecil Chores both got got, and the hot add Garrett Graham bottomed out.  I’d say to shake it up on the bench, but 6 bodies put up a combined 7.5 points. HA-CHA-CHA-CHA.

O.W.G.W. – Not to let the jinxy cat out of the bag, but the final checkdown goes to the loser of this week’s POOP BOWL: TONES. Mah gerd those are some pedestrian numbers. A 10 piece from QB and D was the only double digits sniffed by the Machucando ghost, who is close to have Machucando’s own Ray and Igon knock on his door this offseason to bust him:

CMON MON

MONques Colston- Otra! Otra! 1.5 points for the Big Feazy! CMON MON!

James MONes- Doesn’t even make sense. PLP!!! 1.5 points! CMON MON!

Cecil Chores- Did you know, his AC joint sprain is the same one I suffered in my MVP Turkey Bowl performance? Estimated recovery time: 10 days – 6 years (and counting). GOOSE EGG! CMON MON!

Houston D- Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-urns. GOOSE EGG! CMON MON!

Minny D- NEGATIVO. -3 points! (Does Jared Allen lasso rope to own huevos) CMON MON!

Torrey Smith- Go deep! Deeper. Deeper I said. INCOMPLETE. 1.5 points! CMON MON!

AMONdola- He got Pat White’d! The 1 point delight! CMON MON!

Yimmy GraMON- (Does Pepe Billete head tilt) GOOSE EGG! CMON MON!

Who I like on Monday night, and I mean GO RIVERS YOU JERK GO!
 

Ah, perhaps my favorite Monday Morning Fullback segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. Feels like it took all season, but we finally have a Monday night with some SERIOUS implications judging by the squirming texts and g-chats for reassurance I’ve received throughout the day. In the aforementioned Poop Bowl, the wedding maestro is down 2 with Mr. Luck in the pocket, while Tones has T. We Not Rich in the backfield. I’ll take the Bank for 500, Trebek. In the log turd bowl, Dinero is down a 10 piece with Reggie Wayne AND Baby Feet Gates going full steam. Prediction: Davey will be cocinado and watching new age Porte Chets on House Hunters by halftime. Last and certainly least is the Havana Omlette Bowl, brought to by Mylanta. Kebron is holding tight to a 5.5 point lead with Rubz best / worst team trotting out Colby Jack Fleener. In 5 starts this year, Fleener has surpassed 5.5. points twice, but Chief Jaworski has tonight as a shoot out. Fleener gets on the board early and gives Kebron the tummy rumbles that come with losing to Rubz.

Till next week!

-KC CHIEFS