MMFB WEEK 3

Vol. 6 No. 3

OH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The Monday Morning Fullback coming at you on a rainy Fort Lauderdale afternoon. Between the post Burger and Beer ‘How do you  brick log turd’ turtle head I have peeking out at the moment and the regular AM grumpfest I fully embrace, The Chief is coming to you on a positive note today, despite the obvious Machucando rain cloud hanging over Kansas City. That’s right, I can’t win in STINKERS and I can’t win in BLOWOUTS. For the first time in 8 years, the Chief is hurtin for a squirtin opening the first fifth of the season WINLESS. But I ain’t here to kiss ass, no sir.

But no sir, not even the stench emanating from Andy Reid’s Gatorade tinged, shit kissed balloon knot can hold me back from this Miami Dolphins high. I haven’t felt this good about the Fins since I had braces, which is kind of like a week ago, but still dates back to high school. The koolaid is coursing through my veins like a Walter White chemo treatment and I can’t wait for Monday night on Bourbon Street when Drew Brees picks us apart like hyeenas on lambchop, wait what? NO! I meant when Tanny Boy leads us to victory. Alas, one thing is for certain. I am never getting season tickets again, as Dirty perfectly put it, “We are like the Indians fans in Major League, sitting in the empty outfield getting rocked for years, and then the team is on the come up and we are TOAST.” See me, dirty and kebron for the past 8 years at :47 seconds:

HIT THE BANJO WE ARE OFFICIALLY BACK. AFC East…we coming for you ninja!'

Onto the goods!

3 UP

RENE- Projected to the tee, holy crap I’ve never seen that in my life. Maybe this Brandon Funthton knows a thing or too? HAHAHHAAH SIKE! EAT DICK FUNSTON. From last to finger blast, Don Pan dropped the pipi Panini over Sgt. Mafiol’s DOME. Breesy did the damn thing expectedly, but rock steady RB production with the emergence of Giovani is what pushed the baker to rise like a fresh loaf of bread. And hey, look whos next. Gettem Rene!

 KEBRON- Oh, ALL the shit eating teams in the basement won huh? WHAT A DELIGHT. After hearing of K’s adventures at Sun Life yesterday, its only proper to give the teacher his King Chief poison laiden apple. I didn’t even know someone started Antonio Brown but holy hell did he showout to the tune of 36 points. Sprinkle in the steady Staff and you’ve got just the trick to snap the tweety bird head off the Parrott. 

SMITTY- Just edged out Dinero, who requested no Breaking Bad spoilers, and Jav, who requested I don’t jinx him because I am a walking bad luck charm these days. Good thing I spit on Driskel’s leg. Smitty gets the final tuggernutts for toppling Dfern in the early battle for the Machucando first place throne. The difference maker here? A gutsy Snelling start to the tune of 18 points. All arrows point north for the bank as he stacks his chips and keeps Machucando waiting for his monthly skewering of the League. 

1 DOWN

ANDRES- This one was too easy. A fat Hakeem Nicks goose egg (CMON MON IMMINENT) and two-fer TY Hilton flex start was enough to stifle and abnormal runningback display from Demarco and pankay de Jamaica Charles. As Andres’ instagram continues to soar with pictures of dudes, south beach clubs and dudes, Machucando continues to observe the rise and fall of a pauper, living in the shadow of an older brother who is most certainly, a PRINCE.

CMON MON

HaMON Nicks- GOOSE EGG. CMON MON!

Mike Wallace- Is Mike Wallace playing bro! 3 pointer. CMON MON!

MON Francisco D- What are they starting, a bunch of chinos and San Fran loving Ruben’s out there? 1 POINT. CMON MON!

CJ Spiller AND Dwyane Bowe- Half point delights and the Davey still wins. IN MY FACHE. CMON MON!

Jermichael Finley- Hory mory! He puts the GOUT in GOOSE EGG. CMON MON!

Who I like on Monday night and I mean did anyone start whoooooo-lius?

Ah, perhaps my favorite Monday Morning Fullback segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. After hearing Tones lead the charge to Tootsies yesterday in his yack soaked car, I’m giving the nod to only winners get wangs. All other games have been decided so I leave you all on two notes:

A tune to sum up my feelings:

And  a clip of where I will be for the next week.

Till next week.

THE CHIEF