MMFB Week 10

Vol. 5 No. 10

 No, that ain’t Dirty….everyone knows Dirty has quad nipple rings anyways. Alas, as I sit here perched at my desk like a slothing gargoyle, I just don’t have the UMPH today. Mainly because I used it all up on a post-lunch torpedo turd, but also, because this day means something special. Sure for all those who have served and currently serve to protect this great country. Can’t say enough about them. But also, for the young chief inside me who used to proudly suckle at the government teet on this holiday. I just can’t fashion myself to work hard on a day that those that DON’T deserve it get off. 

Nearly a third of the league is currently sitting at home scratching the crack of their ass with a slim jim. Between Jav, Kebron, Andres and Al, we got enough people milling around their cribs to give the Ortiz-Griswold clan a run for midday money.  And so help me god if I find out Ruben is in Aruba for some horseshit faux-mandatory wahoo fishing tournament.  AND DON’T KNOW ONE TIP ME OFF THAT LOU’S EXPULSED ASS IS AT A SKATE PARK SHAZAAMING SONGS. GOD DAMN’T I CAN’T TAKE THIS NO MO.

THREE UP

Don Pan- Uhoh, did I lob the frozen turkey stuffed with the chief’s secret recipe through the bakery window too early again? (Hint: It’s poop). Facing a must win gauntlet to close the season, the ever-so-quiet reigning champ has let his fast and furious work on the waiver wire do the talking this season from his current last place position. But the top up in this week’s 3 up is an easy serve up not only for winning against all odds, but also, doing the irish jig on poor little Saban’s grave. Andres man, cheer up. You’re a one loss team just like us…settle in with the upper most crust of the virtually elite and count your mcchickens that you aren’t some afterthought ACC team squandering leads to Virginia. Congrats Don Panini.

Papa Fritz- Speaking on nearly elite, my team soiled itself in grand fashion to a guy who might as well be starting Ernie and Pelayo at RB-1 and RB-2. The power grabber gets the second hunk o love for the day for living the impossible dream…not only did he take down Machucando’s finest. He also managed to send a text about it that didn’t send me into a tailspin. T-Gonz went .5 short of a 30 burger and Philip Rivers…sigh.

Team No Sleep- 3 straight weeks and 3 straight three ups. It’s like your older bros penchant for volcano barfing in social settings…you is on a roll. The final tip of the cap goes to Davey boy for 3 fold reasons….1. trey consecutive wins to pull you out from last place 2. dumping Rubz like a dump truck straight into the Papa John’s thin crust for 12 hotline position. And lastly, after a weekend with Dfern, who doesn’t need some extra TLC on Monday AM I RIGHT? 

THREE DOWN

Easiest portion I’ve written this year.

LASCATIONS SENSATIONS

SANDUSKERS RETARD

GRONKSANITY

But a week ago, I issued the simplest challenge. “The top up in next week’s 3 up is a 3 man race between you, KeBron or Andres to provide the best weekend adventure recap.” That’s right. A FREE BEEJ and those ain’t easy to come by in the fullback. No sir, this ain’t an annual power rankings column. But no, three of the busiest guys in the league hands down (SARCASM SO HARD) responded by whipping out their weens and pissing on both the fullback and Machucando as a whole. Not one pic. Not one recap. Just a promise unkept by Andres and a whole lotta halitosis from the other two dolts. I’m filing you three guanajos under the DISAPPOINTMENT file for Machee 2012. It’s a THICK binder, but no worries. Tanto EDC was a wee bit of a joke #top49 and durdesssss, dur turgate was orrresome so manee titties! DURRRRR TIDE and FOOD and WINE ala chef phony that you are always a post away from redeeming youselves.

But like many fullback call outs this year that have fallen on deaf ears, counted stacks and standings shame, you’re always one (big tittied) post away from redemption.

 

Meanwhile, here I am at 700 plus words for the 10^th time this year. Don’t worry Machucando, two can play this game……preparate next year, two can abandon the boards because this season, the fullback has been the last bacon wrapped shrimp in the platter. 

THE HEISENBERGS

JAMES GRAHAM

T-GRAMPS

BIG DOG CALVIN

MATTY SPICE

JOE TOMACCO

LO COMISTE, A-YO CANESINSIGHT.CO-M HIT ME WITH THE GIF:

Steve Smiff- 1.5. Fig Newton style. #LoComiste

Eric Decker- 2 points. Upper. #LoComiste

Burner Turner- Bout that time of the season eh? 1 point. #LoComiste

Reggie Bush- .5C #LoComiste

Pierre Thomas- 1.5. Duke Johnson he aint. #LoComiste

D’Angelo Williams- 1.5 How does it feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel. #LoComiste

Who I like on Monday night, and I mean, it all comes down to Monday except when you are fuckin cooked.

Ah, perhaps my favorite MMFB segment. The Monday night chief picks. Davey’s got his W, as does Donnie Pansco, and  Kebronnie. The rest of the games are settled…OR ARE THEY. Raul is clutching a 26 point lead facing Mike Wallace…oooooh boy that’s all I’m gonna say. Smitty with the W. LoViste is living on a prayer with Pittsburgh D down 19, but Dfern still has AJ Correa at RB-2 ready to bring home the W. Pepe Le Spew cruises to a W. And finally the Monday night maestro, with Big Ben. I need 4 teeders plus change to swing it my way and it just ain’t happenin this week. Jav with the walk off like El Caballo.

TILL NEXT WEEK.

-THE CHIEF