MMFB Week 8

Vol. 5 No. 8

BACK. The MMFB takes a one week bye week and I should have known that would be all it takes to make the Machucando moochers come out and play. The irony. I plead with everyone to put everything they have into the boards and it’s met with SHIT. But I kick my hounded chili dogs up for one week and the boards fry eggs and launch tomatoes? HA. The only people who I will respond to for MMFB inquiries are those who contribute regularly. The rest who embody the Canelas-Enriquezian approach can go ahead and take a few steps back while I resume the Monday tradition of going JAMA.

So, where wasn’t I? Ah, yes. JAX. Judging by the two-day long backlogged death turds I just uncorked at the office, the DEEP thigh bruise and (re-checks…yup) the sopped BEAK I’m sporting after making sure it got wet, it’s time to recap a decade worth of flickin gooma bean.  Friday night was par for the course at the Landings, arriving to a hero’s welcome and getting brought back to the Governor’s suite for late night delicacies. Fast forward to Saturday, tailgating in the shadow of Everbank Stadium, we took some time to fire up the grill and let the ole grille master himself, Rubz, G.M. (certified grill master), fire up some meats. “How do you like your burgers fellas? Black as a butthole? Coming right up!” 

From there, I flashed my pecker mid piss stream to a Peruvian chick who in exchange mistakenly flashed a boob. As for the game, there’s no sugar coating that dead body. It was devastating. I do take solace in the 7:01 pm posts of HAAAAAAAAA coming from the peanut gallery who’s been sitting on it waiting for 7 weeks to raz the Gator nation. I have no come back. I only had to wait 7 minutes to start shitting on the Canes this season so dish away. Continuing the weekend recap, I will fast forward of the wallowing postgame straight to the GOOMAH, I mean Governor’s suite. A couple chugs later and we are on the Jax Landing dancefloor when I get a tip from Cuz to sneak a peak at Dfern….and yes, you guessed it. The man unleashed a quick yack ON THE DANCEFLOOR MID BOOGIE behind a barricade that was so foul, Andy Dufresne wouldn’t step in it. Pic taken 2-3 minutes after that when he was still Zombie Nation, surrounded by our harem of hippo goomahs. 

Richie also went on to unleash a typhoon of yack at the Landings, followed by a marathon night of yacking and a morning of yacking. Long story short, Rubz and I are men. Richie is a frail chick. And Dfern, hoo boy, drinks on that guy! (lifts up tarp like I’m sitting in the first row of a Gallagher show)

ONTO THE GOODS!

3 UP

Davey- Woooooooooooooooooooo doggie! Congrats on the first W with top billing secured for bringing it to Rubz doorstep. Hory mory. I haven’t seen a schnide corrupt a man that bad since MarioKart 64 Watergate got exposed. Dougie Martin’s first 30 burger was as tasty as a kahuna and even your bolstered stabled of turds all hauled in teeders. Don’t go dry rubbing that draft night brisket just yet. 

Tones- Sigh, sorry baby bro, but I have no choice as the most feared member of Machee and author of this fine site but to give credit to Tones for Gronking out in my face. Holy tits its 6 pm on a Monday and I’m just now realizing your kicker got 17 points? Damn’t, I can’t rescind this now. Tones, enjoy your walloping of the Chief. It’s a badge of honor many wish to sport, but few can truly claim. Go ahead. Enjoy this one on the chief. Keep leaving those kernels of hate on the cobb. Because guess what.

KeBron- Jesus, look at this 3 up. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Mister Mas Nunca edges out Don Pan by a teeder for the final 3 up. KEBRON. TONES. DAVEY. Self pic time

3 DOWN

Daniel- The first slap on the wrist goes to one Dinero for putting up an absolutely wretched performance. Other than Marshawn’s scamper, it was a whole lot of spare change for the man surrounded by stacks. Also, minus four personal chief points for finally returning to the boards with a copious two word post. I could honestly give a I have a dream speech 14 minutes long regarding the return of a Honkey Herald. But I won’t waste an ounce more of sarc on a man who won’t waste them on me. For the love of god, you know how many Muschamp gifs there are and how shitty Jeff Driskel is!!!!!! 

Jav- No more Jou. No more Lav. The second DX sugg it of the day goes to the man who’s been sitting pretty for far too long post powergrab. Welcome back to sitting shitty. A flat out pedestrian performance that mirrors my xbox dynasty.  The second reason for the second down is Naughty America. As a connoisseur of the interwebz finest, that site just isn’t porn master 2.0 laptop friendly. I remember the days where cheezebeges ran free on bangbros and where a     King felt like a King in reality kings. If you manage to make the playoffs and take home a little Machee prize purse, whaddayasay you give me the Ox Pass my mom has refused to get me for the past decade.

Dfern- When Hey Bey Bey is your bright spot for the day, well

THE HEISENBERGS

Dougie- 30 burger.

Rob Gronkowski- 30 burger.

Stafford- 30 burger.

Brady- 30 burger.

LO COMISTE

Reminder to please throw up the Lo Comiste over your ombligo. Thank you Al. Short and sweet because we got way to many dead beats with 3 and 4 pointers.

Jamal Charles- JC he aint. Romeo’d. 1.5 points. #LoComiste

Minnesota D- Dfern baptized the Landings with the bile of Lake Dfern. Cash out was baptized in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. NEGATIVO 3. #LoComiste

Who I like on Monday Night, and I mean KILL THIS GAME WITH FIRE:

You couldn’t pay me enough to watch this bubbling crock pot of seagull poo. No chance you sniff for 40 Dfern, Parrot Heads sneak away with a W. Let’s get straight to the matchup no one cares about. Andres needs 11 points to topple a hopefully intact Sandy Smitty. San Fran D has only topped 11 points 3 times this season, but I’ve learned my lesson here kiddys. No sleeping on the bank, Smitty cruises to another W. And on that note, that’s all she wrote….till nex-

HOLD THAT THOUGHT. WE’VE FOUND SMITTY!

-THE CHIEF