And just like that, I totally redeem myself. I figured Cecil
Collins Ave. needed a slightly less moody, more balanced, and elusive
pan-handling hobo than the Chief, so it is time to trot out another installment
of the RUBZ POWER RANKINGS now that the Machu season is underway.
To keep this from becoming a personal soap-box, I hope you
all enjoy what I put together. On the flip side, if your enjoyment comes more
from the fact that I put together anything at all so that some additional time
can be spent “hating” on the rankings (their quality, their length, etc.) –
well then, have at it you sick, twisted, bastards…
12. The House
Lannister
There are not enough Xany’s in the world to ease the pain of
this dysfunctional ownership duo. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?
Lou, who graciously invited all of us to his wedding (many thanks for that –
except for Gordi Table-gate), was strong armed into missing the draft due to
some date conflicts. Unassuming as he may be, Lou enlisted the services of one
former Machu vet…a manufactured rival of mine who, on the surface, seemed like
a decent choice to draft a squad and partake in some goonery. This decision was
only to be met by Jav misinterpreting his ownership capacity and giving a
rousing power grabbing speech overlooking the shores of the Atlantic while Lou
was away in the Old World.
Fast forward, Lou has since been domesticated and keeps
Ronnie Brown hidden in his (spacious) Weston suburban dream house. The RB
situation is probably the most heated I have ever seen. Jav, drunk with power,
drafted more WR’s than he knew what to do with. The result? An incomplete
roster, confusing confidence, and a reluctance to trade. Not a good mix, folks.
11. TEAM NO SLEEP
Awwww shiet! Don’t look now, but Davey just spilled his
Cherry Soda-Pop at the NFL experience in front of Warren Sapp. Obviously love
Julio and think that Romo is in line for a big year, but that RB depth is going
to hurt for a while. Torrey Smiff will be explosive in spots, but inconsistent
and frustrating all season long.
10. BLOOCHING
I struggled with this one. At first glance, Canesinsight’s
finest has a pretty solid roster with some quality players and a number of very
high ceilings. However, the results
don’t lie and, while Daniel Money was throwing down his weekly spot with Christ
Doering and Adam “Oil Can” Reardon on Gainesville’s AM 850 and Ocala’s AM 900
(I think), his squad was in the midst of giving the League its single worst
scoring output of the week.
I am assuming that is Cam’s floor – but there is always
something to be said about the sport’s most advanced coaches spending a summer
scheming against his strengths and weaknesses. Marshawn looked more like the
Marshawn that was sitting on my bench for the first half of last year than the
Beast Mode he inexplicably morphed into at the end of the season. The RB2
situation went from lucky to heated with Deangelo looking like it’s time to
take him out back and give him the Ole Yeller (RIP) treatment. Fitz is solid,
but consistently overrated (solely because of his QB situation). Jordy, D-Jax,
and Chico do look like solid picks.
9. Don Pan
After he triumphantly got to utter these words to the League
last year…
Don Pan finds himself dealing with a case of the
championship hangover. Some Clevelander inspired draft day blunders, coupled
with the bite of the injury bug, leaves our champion firing up the
1-800-Jay-Cuts hotline far and wide. As a lot of us have fallen victim to, any
team with Brady at the helm is going to be a dangerous outfit. However, some
wheeling and dealing is going to have to be done before the Don makes another
run at Machu gold.
8. King Chief’s
Chiefs
I consider myself a pretty patient guy, but GOOD LORD…you
really enjoyed putting me on the ONE DOWN on this week’s MMFB. League whispers?
Cinnamon olive branch?! That mind of yours is somehow toxic and brilliant all
at the same time. Inexplicable hate aside, Week 1 was not a good week for our
appointed Comandante. The Alfred Morris pick-up and Stevie Johnson stand out as
positives, but the rest of Week 1 was below average for a GM that grew accustomed
to the single most unstoppable “TRIPLE UP” in the history of fantasy football.
Arian Foster will continue to be effective assuming that he is not dealing with
a knee all season. Not to mention, he scored his points in approximately 24
seconds against a Dolphins team that randomly decided to quit the second I
stepped out to drop a deuce.
In case you need some, I have a little bit of this for
Jenning’s groin ;)
7. Los Sanduskers RTR
(smh)
Holy shit is that name confusing. Anyways, there is
something about saying “I got the Sanduskers next week” or “Damn the Sanduskers
are comiendo un cable this week” that really makes me chuckle. The combination
of Witten’s lacerated spleen and T-Rich’s bum knee is going to cause some
headaches for LSRTR. Always thought T-Rich was a little bit overvalued – the
fact that he is such a physical runner, on perhaps the league’s worst offense,
in perhaps the league’s toughest defensive division just never felt right to
this GM. AJ Green will live and die with Dalton’s uneven play, but he will
ultimately get his. Hard to believe Demaryius gets lucky like that again, but –
hey – he has now taken a short pass the distance against one of the league’s
best defenses in his last two matchups against them. Tough to hate on this
guy’s physical abilities, but his fantasy production will (I assume) be
somewhat inconsistent.
Props to Ray Rizzy…this guy is a championship piece who will
come to work for
Los Sanduskers….ROLL TIDE ROLL. Because those two things are so related to each
other…
6. GRONKSANITY
Yo whattup Tonez?! Yeah, we all know, this guy is perdido
and will probably not even read this. Yeah, we all know Tonez is still on the
FF Toolbox trying to explain to himself how he drafted Reggie Bush in the 3rd
round. However, Gronsanity scored an impressive 115.5 in his Week 1 debut.
Quote me when I say this will be amongst the artist formerly known as Grapes
and Cheese’s 2-3 highest scoring outputs. Really do not think this team is
built for success – Reggie Bush is going to get his touches, but will never be
the RB1 you so desperately reached for. Garcon’s foot is already bothering him,
and your FLEX options are just straight troublesome.
Obviously – Gronk and Stafford are blue chippers. Mike
Wallace should continue to produce and showed very little rust in his debut.
The Law Firm, I thought, was surprisingly explosive and physical against the
Ravens…so you have that going for you. Mostly, I expect this
to turn into this sooner than later.
to turn into this sooner than later.
5. LO VISTE
While the Chief utilized his patented “Rubz Joke Idea Balls”
ala the Family Guy manatees (Ball #1 (constant): Rubz team sucks Ball #2: Andres at a spelling
bee. Leading to: “Rubz team is worse off than Andres at a spelling bee!!”) SPECIAL
FEATURE: See video at the :50 second mark for an inside look at the
MMFB Writing Room! !
All joking aside, my team had a strong week (only to also be
on the wrong side of the League’s worst blowout). There are some shaky
characters on my squad whom I literally live and die with on each tackle,
twist-up, or pile. Does the fact that, the night before the game, CJ was
driving to prison to bail his boy out of jail worry me a little bit? YEAH IT
DOES. Do I follow the most illiterate guy in the sports world on twitter only
to torment myself? YEAH I DO.
CJ?K is mine for now – and I am going to have to ride with
him. It’s not like I’ve never dealt with devastating first round busts in the
past.
4. CASH OUT
Absolutely huge week for one of the League’s most covetous.
Sproles assisted with a late touchdown, the demise of Don Francisco was
apparently overblown, VD (embarrassing tapon and all) did work, and Aaron
Rodgers will consistently allow this team to hang with anyone it plays on a
weekly basis.
Maclin, who might be one of the more injury prone players in
the League, is a solid talent on an offense that threw the ball a whopping 56
times last week.
While the demise of Gore may have been overblown, there are
some serious concerns with Wes and CASH OUT’s FLEX spot.
3. PARROT HEADS
Meanwhile, in a marble lined handicap stall in the sky…
The league’s biggest moocher sits I-phone in hand, unforgivingly
starched work shirt, and the same hateful scowl that makes our League Oscar the
Grouch so damn unique. After two years of looking like this on his barge off
the shores of Margaritaville…
Al’s team is stepping up with an impressive roster. Run DMC
is the talk of Rotoworld, Brees will always do his thing, WR’s look solid, and
there are enough options at the FLEX spot to get by. Is this enough to get him
out of the League’s basement after two years on the shnide? It’s a long season,
folks…but we know one thing…Al is mooch. And complain. Holy shit, is he going
to complain…
2. LASCATION SENSATION
This over-conditioned Jewban has finally put together a
solid roster. After an impressive Week 1 showing, the Lascation Sensations are
looking to finally reverse the Snakes on a Plane curse that has landed Kebron
out of the playoffs in most years of Machu. On paper, the roster is not
“traditionally” nasty – but last week’s performance proved that there are some
serious points to be scored on this team. This column’s high rank for LS
probably comes at the hands of a severe ass whooping, BUT, I do think there is
some work that still needs to be done at WR on this team. I can see LS being on
the wrong side of these Power Rankings next time they come out if he keeps
trying to offer Maurice Morris to the League in return for a WR2.
Your move, Lascation.
1. THE BANK
(Wrestling announcer voice) Oh, no. Is that him?! Yes…YES IT
IS…that’s the BANK’s MUSIC!
Yeah, so we are all pissed about this. Yeah, the Bank is
even HAPPIER that we are all pissed about this but, for right now, this squad
is loaded. Enjoy the #1 spot because I am out of gas.
Signing off, until next time (whenever that may be)…
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