Mornin/Afternoon. It is with great pleasure that I welcome you back to the home that hate built, Machucando's longest standing and most storied column, the Monday Morning Fullback. This fine Monday has been many days in the making. For weeks since the draft I've sat and stewed over the current state of affairs in our league and can honestly say I'm quite satisfied with where we stand-- save a few affairs, but more on that later.
Needless to say, this day has been a longtime coming. I feel just like Ashley Shaeffer...
I'm just now shaking off the cob webs from a weekend of donkey turding. This wasn't just any donkey turding, this was epic donkey turding. But with Captain D-fern at the helm and Admiral Rubz at the back of the ship, I managed to sit on a couch chiefing for the better part of 26 HOURS STRAIGHT. GOOD LORD DFERN THAT MAN CAVE NEEDS SOME SUN LIGHT..MUSIC..PORN..NBC..A SHOWER THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M IN PRISON....ANYTHING MAN! MOTHER OF GOD, HIS FREEZER HAS HUNGRY MAN MEALS! If you need any reason to wonder why his posts suck so much it's cause he is the human mound of guano in that man cave...and in a way, we are all jealous.
In the sporting world it was all gravy train...the Fins eeked out a must win, the Gators remain atop the state, the Noles got demolished and the Canes got a reality check. You'd think I'd be in a great mood right? WRONG. The only thing keeping me from losing a gasket right now is the fullback's new mascot. Last year I brought you Lazaro, who has moved on to become the Lechon mascot of Kebron's turd team. This year I bring you my trusted friend, our pal, STICK AND ROLLIN POOH...
Onto the goods! Only 1 up,1 down today because we got plenty in the balance.
1 Up
BMF- Good Lord. First MMFB of the Year and this mamey huevon is getting praise for pounding Lou's ONCE AGAIN horrible team. What year is this? 2007? No no it's not. If not Rubz would be giving steve-o a western grip handy for reinstatement. Alas, BMF hit the necessary triple digits behind Ochocinco's garbage man performance. The self proclaimed "Target Monster" aka B-Marsh didn't even hit double digits and he still managed to put away Lou. Thankfully Lou's fee's are already paid if not I could see him iphone hacking his way out of here.
1 Down
Yodels Revenge- The man who brought you "my bad" dropped last night golden line of "I'll take my first W anyway it comes"...before 8 pm...on a Sunday..with his team up by 3 points. There's counting your chickens before they are hatched and then there's sticking your foot in your mouth but so we are perfectly clear...I could lurch over my laptop, take a shit on it, and the weight of the single turd landing on random buttons would put together a better team and better trades then what you've shown so far this year. You have earned ZERO respect from Machucando so far and by coming at the guy who let you in, you've made a clear enemy...and its only week 1.
The doctor (above) is in on Sundays.
Two years ago, Dfern provided us the highlights of Sunday thanks to his dirty dancing with one Amber at the Saph. Last year, Smitty took the reigns by making out with Chayanne. This year, I am proud to announce the new weekly praise-a-thon...
THE DAVEY THREE'S COMPANY TOO TITLE
Again, this section is for those that balled out on Sunday and is only fitting for Davey's lack of balls! Did you know, all his posts are finished with a kiss of lavender, lilac and lemon grass? Did you know, he subbed out nachos yesterday for a warm cilantro salad? Did you know, his fridge is filled with bon bons instead of beer? He is a modern day Peggy Bundy and for that we salute him!
-Arian Foster- almost pulled a legit Al Bundy
-CJ2K- standard outting
-Pey-Pey- whippin work
-Ochocinco- hallelujah
-Who the fuck is Les Miles Austin
-HA-KEEM Nicks
Since we have wiped the league clean of any Del Carmen stench, the Nahman Trophy is DEAD. This year, I present to you with the blessing Keyshawn, Tom Jackson, the Bahamas, Rubz, Al, Lou and the biggest fag merman of them all, Doctor Do Little...
C'MON MON! (busts out the steel drums)
-Kolb- GOOSE EGG. "CMON MON!"- Al yells as he fucks a coral reef
-Mike Sims WALKA- GOOSE EGG JAV. "CMON MON!" Rubz belts out pre descending 69
-J-Stew- 1 Point. Smart Move, No jokes here cause he's a big boy. CMON MON!
-Mikey Crabtree- NUMBA 2. 2 points. CMON MON!
-Steve Slaton- 2 points. CMON MON!
(left to right) Dude who knows nothing about football but knows not to start Steve Slaton, Lou's team, Lou)
Who I like on Monday night, and I mean the late night Java crew is going to have the hot shits tonight:
Ah, perhaps my favorite MMFB segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. You know that all the picks here can be taken to the bank, much like Frank's stone cold locks of the week at Flannigans. Yodel needs 38 from Philip Rivers and Ryan Matthews...who wait a sec, are on the same team? Doesn't that mean they take away opportunities from one another? What do I know, I'm only the winningest person in league history. Regulators ROLL. Don Pan is clinging to a 19 point lead with Floyd while Kebron is lurking with a bazooka (Ray Reeze) and a machete (Jets D). Tough call but I'm going with Don Pan by a HAIR. Danger Zone trotting out Double Dwayne Bowe while the GERNADE is down to Baltimore D...becareful with Sanchize giving up some defensive td'ers but I'm going Danga Zone. Feed the Wolf nursing a 13 point lead with a kicker, needs to hope Shonne doesn't find him some Shones. FTW wins by 5. And finally...THE CHIEF. Down by 1 in a pick em, Dinero is holding out hopes with Charles in Game 1, while I've got the fantasy team ravenger himself, Antonio Gates.
CHIEFS WIN! CHIEFS WIN! CHIEFS WIN!...but its the institution, not the franchise.
(left to right) Dinero, Gates
Till next week.
-THE CHIEF
"Know your role. Chief that Bowl. Do your job."
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