Good Morning Ladies and Welcome to the Second Annual League Machucando Awards Show!!! Coming to you live from Grauman's Chinese Theatre, lets welcome this mornings host.
You may recognize him as Machucando's most successful General Manager of All Time...a consummate winner. A one-time Machu Champion. The leader of this year's King Chief's Chiefs and founder of the King Chief's Chiefs Institution. Some call him E. Others call him Legend. But you all know him as simply, El Generalisimo. Without further or do, I present, THE CHIEFFFFFFFFFFF
(comes out dancing like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA-3shD19SM)
A-YO Thanks Fellas. I don't even know where to do this, but I just rock that shit out. It's been two years since I've put together this prestigious awards ceremony, but for once, I didn't wake up this morning in my usual Christmas with the Cranks mood. So I decided it was time to give back to those who give so little in this league.
It has truly been a banner season for Machucando and I am not just saying that as your honorable leaders or feared destroyer. The League continues to barrel forward into greatness, but one can not look forward, without taking a second, and looking back.
Without further or do!
GM of The Year: The following are the three nominees for GM of the Year. Hater Blockers(Rubz). HB is nominated for magically putting together this years highest point total, all this despite his crazy hectic life schedule that no one here will ever UNDERSTAND YOU GUYS. God Damn Derkas(Al). El Diablo himself, A Machu staple and this year's 1 playoff seed and 2nd point leader overall. D3 Mighty Duckets (Dinero). This year's up and coming Honky Ultimate Warrior had the years longest win streak and entered the playoffs as the 2 seed, despite the audible groans and laughs regarding the talent on his team...sorta like the Canes.
The Winner: God Damn Derkas (toilet flushing)… "A-wha? I won? I won the presitgious Eagle Sac Lapel for the top GM, despite trading away Brees? Sugg it Smitty! It's all mines!!!!!!!!!!"
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Worst GM of The Year: The nominees are: Sucka Free (Dfern). A two-time worst GM nominee, SF defended the Machu Heavy Weight Belt with the worst year on record. London Silly Nannies (Lou). Worst team name no doubt, but this one all started with big Marv Harrison. SalchiPaps(KeBron). Traded away Ray Rice, Brandon Marshall and a bevy of other fantasy playoff goodness this year for a bunch of NERDS.
The Winner: Sucka Free! Our first two time award winner! Dfern also doubles up by taking this years "Worst Poster of the Year award". "I'd like to begin by thanking all my members of La Sagrada Familia, without your advice and fantasy wisdom, this chicharro shit stain of a season wouldn't have been possible. Who else am I forgetting here....oh of course, Roy Williams, Darren Sproles, Joe Tamacco, Marshawn. A veritable cornucopia of manure. I will graciously accept the Edward James Smith Memorial Plaque...for ashamedly going down with this ship."
(locks eyes with Steven Jackson at 3 seconds)
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Hater of The Year: To quote Lenny Kravitz in Zoolander, "Now to the important stuff. These ain't no slashes, folks. These are the pure breeds." The amount of hate it takes to get through the day for these nominees is a testament to just how hateful these guys were this year: KC Chiefs (E). led the Veto charge in 2009 in a season that saw peoples hate-dars slow down to the crawl of slumbering baby pikachu. Every Monday, like clockwork, I'm there to reign down ether on this league. And Tuesday, And Wednesday. And Thursday. There is no offday of hate. DAMN THAT'S HATEFUL. Cohiba Swag (Smitty) The reigning holder of the presitgious Hater's Cup, Raul is nominated for hating on each person in the league on the daily, and spectacularly leaving no stone unturned in his matchup column. Sweet Home Alabama (Andres). Sure his smack talk is wack, and he's the first one to cry on the boards when a field goal is missed at 1:56 pm on a Sunday, but his Crimson Tide led attack on a league of Gators made him feel a way he's never felt before....like a man.
The Winner...is... CUE THE MUSIC MAESTRO!!!!!!!!! (confetti falls from the rafters)
HE TAKES THE HATERS CUP AGAIN! Cohiba Swag Flyers! (Kebron flips up his chair, "I'm the biggest hater! I'm the biggest hater! Not even a nomination? I hate you Jav and Andresssss"... ( gets escorted out of the awards lounge)… (hands the podium over to Smitty as he snatches the Copa out of my mitts).. "Well, I'm speechless, (wipes a frozen tar black tear, only to reveal a real black tear Weezie style)...but all I can say is, "I hate, therefore, I am."
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2009's Biggest Shitstorm Award: 2009's Biggest Shitstorm nominees go to... Hater Blockers (Rubz). What would a mandatory attendance Machucando draft be without the Carribean fiddler himself? On the record, he was working the then Commish so hard to cook the draft dates, the man decided to step down to no longer deal with his bull. Off the record, he tried to screw Smitty and Dinero out of the draft. Mr. Belvee (Rene). The author and creator of Gregory-Gate, spun a whimsical tale of fantasy coercion only to fall at the Machucando altar without a shred of evidence or backup. Veto Wars (Machucando). In a league that was statistically strong in hate, 2009 saw ZERO trades get vetoed. There are sharks in this league, and there are sheeps. This season, the lamb chops overtook the shark fin stew I've been creating
The Winner goes to: Hater Blockers come on down!!! (crickets) "I'm sorry, I've just been informed Rubz is not in the auditorium tonight, as he has not been on the boards or his power rankings the past few weeks either ignoring the calls/hate from the crowd."
That said, he has prepared a statement that he requested be red in a heavy Caribbean accent. "First and foremost, I want to thank the Island Nation of the Bahamas for offering me sanctuary and allowing me to reside in their sandy mist 11 months out of the year. I want to thank the Boss, and The Chief, for allowing my draft to be possible. And finally, I want to thank my Sagrada Familia members for all their support in my darkest hours. My unwelcomed end to the season has provided Machucando with a non-sagrada familia final four, which I'm sur...."
(CURTAIN DROPS ON HIS CORNY ASS TO A STANDING OVATION)
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Come Back GM of the Year Award: The nominees for come back player of the year are D3 Mighty Duckets. (Dinero) Following a season where he went silent and slimmly survived the offseason calls for his dome on a spike, the man finally saw the writing on the wall. His team excelled, and better yet, his persona came through with the best new column on the scene with the Honkies. Baby Fark McGeeZax (Davey) Ditto to Dinero's first sentence, but sub in offseason Sagrada Familia protection. The look on his eyes come draft night when I said I required participation...his seat in the room might as well have been a port o john cause he was shitting his pants. But he answered the call, chipped in with a few money columns, and was a regular on the board in making the playoffs for the 2nd time in 4 seasons. Wanny McStashes (Jav). For simply coming back after his season in ended in heartbreak last season...and then coming back again after dropping the fattest mojon of a post this season in his matchups (R.I.P.)
(Chad Pennington and Alonzo Mourning step up to the stage to present)
The award goes to....by the length of a Swisher Sweet...its D-MONEY! "I want to begin by thanking the man who very well should have been up here with me, Davey. Hell of a run. I also want to thank all the Honkies who made this year possible...Toby Gerhart, Jordan Shipley, Greg McElroy, my Samoans, everyone. And I'm not done yet. If you don't like me dancing, don't let me in your fantasy endzone. CUE MY ANTHEM"
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Trade Rape of the Year: 2009 certainly has seen its fair share of stupid trades. The winners are: KC Chiefs (E) trading Philip Rivers. Salchipaps (Kebron) trading Ray Rice. El Diablo (Canelas) trading Brees. Sucka Free (Dfern) trading Reggie Wayne...and Mojo...and Antonio Gates. These trades were so trade rapey, that they don't deserve any old fleece. Bring out the top the COSBYS!
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Best Post of the Year/Worst Post of the Year: The winner here goes to none other then the Wannstachio'd man himself, Jav. Jav's mail it in Friday at 3 am matchups was singlehandedly the fattest mojon this league has seen all year. It was so stinky...that Jav had no choice but to hunker down his porn den like a dwarf in Helm's Deep...
(only to at 1:09...sound the porn horn!)
Jav came through with the post of the year by delivering porn to the league orchs. Well done. Honorable mention: Belvee's black Andres salcheech extravaganza. Dinero's Ortega taters buffet. E's Andres bunny expose.
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Jew of The Year: And finally, it's that time of year where we at League Machucando come to award the covetous trade league jews for all their hard work, no sirs and jew-ery. The nominees are: Andres "Eyes off my guys" Del Carmz…if you had a trade concept, he had a trade denial. Lou "I'm straight" Perez… who would download and install that ignore app anytime someone came a knocking. Davey "I ain't trading nothing with no one…until the day of the trading deadline. with Rene." Fernandez. Somethings never change.
The Winner: London Silly Nannies (Lou)… One stinky trade all year, to pick up a 3rd QB in Favre. Every other day of the week, the LSN shoppe was closed for business.
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Well folks, that about wraps it up for the Awards Ceremony. I'd like to Welcome Andres to the stage to play his set for us as we all file out of the auditorium. Hit it chamac!
And don't let the door hit your faggoty Roll Tide ass on the way out when Alex Smith bounces you from the playoffs tonight.
(drops mic)
-THE CHIEF
"Know your role. Chief that bowl. Do your job."
Thank you all for coming to the 2009 League Machucando Award Ceremony, till next year…fuck off.
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