MAFB Week 5

Vol 1. No. 8

Afternoon to all the turkeys out there in Machucando land. Thanks to Christopher Columbus, today's Monday Afternoon Fullback is coming to you live from the Hollanade where I sit mega-cashed prepping for tonight's Monday Night Football festivities. But before I get ahead of myself, let me recap what was the wildest weekend to hit New Orleans and Baton Rouge since Katrina. Friday night consisted of tearing up Bourbon Street, getting mad fades with an assortment of ladies, eating shitty food and popping into Harrah's Casino (conveniently located across the street from our hotel) with Smitty to relive the glory days. Needless to say, it was a QUICK visit.
However, Friday night at one of the bars I did see this kick ass picture


Saturday morning, we packed up the rental and cheesed it to Baton Rouge. Upon arriving at our parking lot on campus, in the shadow of Death Valley, we noticed a peculiar thing as we set up shop. We were surrounded by corn doggers as far as the eye can see, no Gators anywhere in sight. It was a slight bit scary at first, as people walked by in bewilderment wondering wtf we were doing there. Turns out the free parking pass we got is a 1,o00 dollar a year parking pass for LSU fans, but that wasn't going to hold us down. Slowly, random Gators would trickle in and by the time the ladies arrived, we were all of a sudden the most popular guys on campus.


LSU students challenged us to flip cup, beer bong, funnels, etc and most were pretty nice. Then again, there were a few like these dudes. Note to self: You will never win an argument to a guy in a banana suit with a bullhorn...It was a hostile enviornment, made only more hostile by the fact we were blasted off patron and bourbon. The game itself was an entirely different cagazon. I sat by myself next to some dude who sold us an extra tix for 2 hundee, while Rubz and Raul had seats c/o the finest corndog dime to ever grace our tailgate.......with a catch. These 2 clowns clad in blue sat in the teeth of the LSU student section and got pushed and tried and tried some more. Sort of like Jordan Jefferson. But in their cases, they emerged VICTORIOUSSSSSS. From there on out, it took us 2.5 hours to get back to NOLA, on a drive where Smitty almost fell asleep at the wheel before being woken up with the smelling salts of talking about POON. Sunday consisted of one of those most hearty cajun buffet feasts ever constructed. All in all, it was just like Chino Louis Armstrong described it to be. Had them red beans, had them collar greens!

Onto the goods!

3 up

D3 Mighty Duckets- The man who found himself in deadlast of last week's Rubz power poll put the straight SMACKDOWN on Andres. I haven't seen an Alabama beatdown that bad since last year's SEC Championship. Dinero had the perfect storm of a lineup with Clintpo finding the endzone for the first (and possibly last) time this year. Tip of the hat for the Honky King.

The SalchiPaps- Fueled by the Sunday morning pickup of Miles Austin (cheezus), Kebron proceeded to put the hurting on Lou's rickety squad. Peyton has flat out been the best QB this season which usually translates to success in Machucando, and Burleson just got in on the action as Seattle twerked the Jags.

BabyFarkMcGee- In the battle of the faggy ferns, only one jamon could come out victorious, and it surely wasn't going to be the one whos fantasy squad stinks more then our piss-stained rental car. While Davey won, allow me to the first and not last one to send a big FUCK YOU on that Belvee trade. Every year, Davey swings a trade with Rene that unexplicably strengthens the former commish's squad and lo and behold 2009 was no different. Unloading Roddy White and Pierre Thomas for a marginal QB, when you have a stud QB and a sand nigger derka receiver? Gimme a break. I ain't got the patience to sit here like sugarcoatting-it Rubz and say, "With the addition of Tom Terrific, the Fark looks poised to make the run everyone thought he would early in the season." All Sagrada Familia hot air. Tom Terrific my chode. You gave 2 quality starters for a backup QB. FUCK. YOU. (end rant)

3 down

KC Chiefs- "I've got the blues...I've got the blues...I've got those shit its my bye-week, double shit I picked up Trent Edwards faded at 5 in the morning Sunday, at least Davey didn't give Rene Roddy White for a milky way oh shit he did BLUES." (c) to the Tune of Joey Gladstone's Harmonica.

London Silly- What's worse then the bye-week blues? Lou's team. Another week goes by, with another week of "na, I'm straight" on the trade wire. Lou is making Rubz's firm of Heebs look like the St. Lunatics at a vegas strip club making it rain bills from the ceiling. The man has value in jacobs, and value in bradshaw, but refuses to budge on either, while Barbaro is just a name thats getting twerked by Tashard Choice. We'll see what week 6 brings in the world of "na, I'm straight" as lou looks down the barrel of a 2nd straight year of finishing dead last in this hateful league near the midway mark of this season.

Wanny McStashes- Finally, Jav's hot streak came to screeching halt c/o of those stinky Derkas. While I give Jav credit for helping me out when the power went out last week, his lucky streak had to come to an end. Randy Moss turded the bed and Bernard Berrian pulled a Bernard Berrian and put a stake in the heart of the stash.

This week's Chayanne-Smith Sensations is brought to you as always, by Chayanne!
-Ray Arroz
-Rowdy White
-Miles Austin
-McNiggie
-Burner Turder

Making its return for this season, is the annual Nahman Trophy, for the starter who left you saying nah-nah-nah-NAH man after this week. For week five it goes to:

Derek Anderson, negative 2 points, come on down!

Who I like on Monday Night, and I mean ORANGE JERSEYS:

Ah, perhaps my favorite MMFB segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. JETS V. FINS, a Monday Night dandy that we've been following since we were young chiefs and chiefettes (Andresh). Only 1 game left in the balance for Machu as Rubz-Smitty are coming down to one of the weirdest fantasy finishes with both teams trotting out the opposing defenses on Monday night. It could swing either way, HOWEVER, I'm feeling a big fantasy Karma swing shifting in Rubz direction.

I have a feeling (doooooooood, dooooooood) that the Football gods are going to strike Smitty down faster then me berating a drunk ass Dfern on Friday night. Despite our unanimous recommendations, Mr. Smitts opted to take NAHMAN over Rene to tonights game, on the grounds that Rene could scalp but Eddie wouldn't. Lordy, I haven't seen a slap in the face since big since Sevilla scored that 4th goal in their champions league game 8 years ago....oh you guys have no fucking clue what I'm talking about? My bad. While Smitty has ultimate discretion since its his ticket and I can't knock that, allow me to chime in with the Machucando feelings:

This guy? Over NFL Redzone, die hard Dolphin Rene? CON-IO. Nuff said.

Jets defense leads the HaterBlockers to a resounding win, while the Fins score more points to take the W on national TV.

Till next week!

-THE CHIEF
"Know your role. Chief that bowl. Do your job."