Top of the morning to you payasos. I apologize for the delays, I'm sure some of you had a turtle head shooting out faster then Donatello flying out of a manhole. In the spirit of last weeks Time Stealing Weasel Power Poll, I'm taking a half day today in order to be at Joe Robbie Stadium by 4:30 when the gates open. That half day? Well half of it is spent spinning this little diddy mis babies!!! (shakes off weekend twease effects). The theme of today's fullback is history, a word which right away should get Cane boners to full mast. So allow the chief to get historical with you primates. As I set here with cobwebs building upon my stale carcas, I decided to team up with mah boy Dfern aka the Sunday ticket to tear Gainesville up this weekend and did so the only way it could be done....
What you see is no joke folks. After rocking a badass beard that sent Smitty's still-Belen-stubble into a Thursday matchup tizzy, I had to remind all these FUCKING FRESHMAN (yo FUCK YOU ANDRES) that while you may take a G out of the ville, you can never take the ville out of the G. Shut the Grog House down, standard funnels/captain morgan pregame , etc. Just some Monday Morning knowledge for you guys. Needless to say I've been walking around since then like this,
(Salt peanuts, Salt peanuts doing that dance at 3:37)
A little more history. Fifty-seven months. No, that's not the amount of time it's been since Tom Brady looked good. That's how long it's been since the last regular-season prime-time victory: a 10-7 win at home over the Browns, way back on the night after Christmas 2004. For the first time since 1975 the Dolphins open their regular-season schedule on prime time. Gentlemen, tonight we make history. For any Dolphins fan living in Miami, with or without tickets, theres no place in the world you could/should possibly be tonight then posted up under the Surrender the Booty flag. I've had this day circled on my calendar for months. But enough about shitting on you turds, time to ACTUALLY shit on you turds.
Onto the goods!
3 up
D3 Mighty Duckets- His scoring output may have been pedestrian, but the MMFB must give props to the league's one time mute turned full time Angel Kissin, Honky Praisin, Cane Swaggin, Down on Bended Knee Jammin, Smitty killin FILETE. Burner Turner found paydirt, and Soulja Boy is officially the only won worth a teta in Ybor City. However, his place in the glory round of the MMFB comes for taking down one-time giant turned zoh-ma-god if AP/Brees don't put up Kebron on Madden vs. a n00b numbers my receivers sure as hell ain't gonna bail me out. Enjoy it Dinero, till next week, enjoy fixing your QB-less team.
Sweet Home Alabama- Way to go Andresh! Your team is mad shweet! Actually I still thing your team licks Donkey Kong's, but I have to give you props for breaking your 4 year hex that Ray Ray has held over your head. You give hope to winless turds like Rubz for next week who is looking at I think a 0-5 record against the boss. In a rare MMFB move, I'll quote Belvee on this one, "First time youve ever beat me in 4 years of fantasy fball which brings our all time record to 5-1. I guess the sun shines on dog shit every now and then." Speaking of which, I found this picture of Andres posted on Bama.com that a honky took when they heard a Nica was running for student president. Andres Del Carmen, Shit Sandwich.
Hater Blockers- Nio, I haven't seen a beating that bad since someone stuck a banana in Kebron's pants and turned a monkey loose. Again, I vow to pulverize Rubz next week, but he deserves his moment in MMFB glory for this bigtime division W. Enjoy.
3 down
God Damn DERKAS- God damnt, if there's one thing I can't stand its a DERKA. If there's a second thing I can't stand, it's getting socked in the gut by Davey. Davey's team found its mojo Austin Powers stylee, and while still CRITICALLY flawed (that LenDALE start is gonna bury you Davey!) he managed to stick it to this bout-to-jihad-everyone DERKA. Fwiw, Jennings/Palmer 27 pts, Brees 28. Not that anyone is still bitter or anything you know. Rivers/Colston 51. None of you turkeys want WR-1 value at a WR-2 price? Damn you all. I digress.
Cohiba Swag- At least Westbrook is healthy right................oh wait, that lasted real long. Second lowest scoring output on the week, plus you blasted my sweet beard. Now I'm a baby faced Homer Simpson like the rest of you. From the beard to you, TOMA.
Mr. Belvee- (Channels inner Kanye) Yo Belvee. I'm really happy for you. And Imma let you finish. But TIM TEBOW had one of the best promises of all time! The All-Paper Team did all right, though Brady is officially in "what happened to my o-line, is giselle making out with that boston sausage vendor" mode. Rest assured one thing on Belvee, HE AIN'T QUITTIN. HE'S GOIN TO THE BEAR. (c) Old Tom Berenger Honky voice.
This week's Chayanne-Smith Sensations is brought to you as always, by Chayanne!
(Btw there's like 9000 corny pictures of this heartthrob err Latin DOUCHE online)- Chris "Silky" Johnston
- Don Francisco Gore
- Vinny Chase
- Marques Colston
- Cool N Dre Johnson
- Matty Ice
Making its return for this season, is the annual Nahman Trophy, for the starter who left you saying nah-nah-nah-NAH man after this week. For week two it goes to:
-Greg Jennings come on down!
Who I like on Monday Night, and I mean Trick Daddy showing up on the Orange Carpet with a fat ass blontas and a bottle of Henne with Chad Henne:
Ah, perhaps my favorite MMFB segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. Here it is folks. I'll say it right now, I think the Fins are going to win tonight, let's say 28-17. The eyes of this blessed nation lay upon our team, and the eyes of this Hater nation of Machucando lay upon a few choice matchups.
Sucka Free Fern has tried to convince us all, including himself, that Ronnie Breez has the goods. To everyone with a working pair of eyes, all you see is Dfern driving that band wagon like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride twerked out of his skull. He's going to need a 1-2 TD night of Young Ron, and believe it folks cause IT WILL HAPPEN. Sucka Free in the upset W.
In the other matchup left for tonight, Jav is clinging to a 10.5 point lead like Rocky in Cliffhanger. I'm trotting out an ELITE honky Tightend in mah boay Dallas Clark. So how does the Chief see it? No A. Gonz + Fins Safeties couldn't hold T. Gonz = a Clark TD, a KC Chiefs W, and Jav airing out his 1-1 stinky nuts like this:
Till next week.
-THE CHIEF
"Know your role. Chief that Bowl. Do you job."
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