Vol. 9 No. 1
/Blows “dust” off the MMFB writing table after a long
offseason
Christ almighty here we go again. With Week 1 almost in the
books, the draft is well in the rear view and Machu GM’s are vacillating
somewhere between thinking they are 72 Fins and the Miami Hurricanes football
program for the past 15 years. But before we dance, a formal welcome and word
to welcome everyone back to the Monday Morning Fullback. Now celebrating my 9th
year of providing your usually weekly roast of teams, GMs and life, the MMFB
has become as transparent as Keith Byars rev’ing up for a fullback dive. There’s
a method to the MMFB Madness, and how you, a loyal reader, can end up on the
right side of the metro rail tracks vs. the demagorgon dark side.
Have you praised me publically (or even privately, my little
birds are always listening)? Did your team take a dive by mistake? Did your
team take a dive ON PURPOSE? Have you gone above and beyond to better the
league? Have you taken my side unconditionally and without thought in a public
roast or debate? Have you thrown me a little something something? If not, what
are you waiting for? Well then, you are probably dancing through the MMFB like
JP at Tuca with a goofy smile on your face thanks to Mike’s Secret Stuff. Did
you rig my team to lose or cheat your way to win? Why haven’t you thrown me
something?! Did you cross me? Did you double cross me? Did you…..nevermind, you
wouldn’t be reading this if you even dared to triple. Have you done nothing for
the league? Did you sell out or conversely worse sometimes, come thru? Have you
wronged me or the league and not even aware or perhaps even more dastardly,
very aware? Well then, E-Vander is going to be looking for you Charlie Steiners
to come get your whoopin.
So lets get things going with a jam packed mondo edition:
FOUR UP
KC CHIEFS – Don’t you dare skip this section! Got to give
myself top billing as I’ve carried my Q2 King momentum well into Q3. Who ever
said you couldn’t teach a power forward-center how to run point, I laugh, “snort”
and retort. From back to back weekends at Batch, to back to back weekends
running wild with Rubz, to got the Drake in me going back to back, even up
through back to back betties, it doesn’t get any better than KC this Mondee.
Luck topped all QB with a 40 begue and too many Cooks were pretty much all I
needed to sneak past the reigning champ. What’s next for KC? THINK FAST
SUNDAY SUCKDOWN – (eyes go blind from the light) Welcome out
of the Commish’s dog house! What did you do? Nothing exactly. But now there’s a
new rookie in town that is grinding my gears thrice as hard as you ever did. A
Q2-Q3 leaderboard topper and stalwart, Rich gets second billing for shmeeing
his way past Smitty. Two Fitz TD’ers and having a normal flex proved to be just
enough to power past a two TE set.
SGT. MAFIOL – While his game hangs very much in the balance,
his party penchant has solidified Rubz in the shining light of Chief and the
MMFB. For someone who was once a league punching bag, on and off the field, Rubz
turnaround has been nothing short of remarkable. Ringless in life as he is in
Machucando, this hasn’t stopped him one bit from holding the line and doing the
damn thing two weeks into the fall. We’ve been to Tuca 4 times in 5 weeks
people! LOOK ALIVE! Until next week, you know where to find me partna….
UP HOUNDERS / DOWN SUCKA FREE – In a high scoring Fernandez
Bowl shootout, there can only be one King and it turns out it was not the one
who spent three fourths of one night calling himself King at a backyard bridal
partay. It’s not hard to see why baby bro is basking in the glow today, while
big bro recoils in the shadows. A ringless finger, for just a bit longer, vs
one that has the figurative bling of a motorcycle gang vice chair, staying out
with de boyz at Tuca post Machu draft vs. going to some weird salce family
carnival, reaching a masters level of houndin vs a general frightened malaise
when a fifi walks by. Breezy led the charge while surprise twenty pointers from
Minny D and Abdullah the Jewla were just enough to outlast Dfern’s clamoring
Cardinals last night.
THREE MORE DOWN
HAPPY’S LOOKOUTS – As you can see with your tilt vs.
Harambe, welcome to the big leagues. JP gets the first castigon, and not
because he himself is a great castigon, though that aspect of your Tuca game
could certainly use some work. You don’t have to be so mean man! The ones that
don’t want to talk are the ones that you need to really talk too! Ah shit, I
lost my train of thought. Anyways, I’ll be watching you like a hawk this year
in Machu. One false step, and I’ll be leading the charge to put you back in
that auctioneer chair since Greg was such a big piece of shit.
DIXIELAND DELISH – Spare the Sunday commentary will you? You
should know by now that the second that redzone starts I am already boiling
like a single craw dad in a jambalaya of hate. This game is still in the
balance, but until I see some real changes from Andres, he’s going to be hard
pressed to win over Uncle Chiefie. What kind of changes? Listen to Tupac
because you got to change everything. Change the way you eat, change the way
you live, change the way you start treatin each other.
QUE RICO – Left in the wake of
my move out is the last Esteban to call the EKC home. From EARLS to BOBBY
FLAYS, you never know where you are going to find this Dadeland marauder and
which one of his loyal goons will be in tow. But looking at the best draft
award with a 79 spot in week 1, knowing you are extra cranks cause of Keenan
and waiting for that tasty double up tonight, I know you are extra heats.
The next section in the MMFB is traditionally named after
someone who did something moronic or was a complete asshole during the
offseason, so it’s pretty much been occupied by Andres for one year and Ruben
for six years before Dfern came along and put a strangle hold on it for the
past two seasons. There were no runner ups. Just these guys taking turns
sucking at life and being shitty. Alas, it is time to turn the page and usher
in a new face. This season, the name for the section spotlighting the guys who
balled out and earn themselves a fresh cut and hustle is:
SPORTS CLIPS’ HUSTLE SHUTTLING CLIPS OF THE WEEK
Looks like the type of place you can get a corkscrew handjob mid hightop sopa fade...
SPENCER WARE
ANDREW LUCK
BRANDON COOKS
DREW BREES
AJ GREEN
LARRY FITZ
CMON MON
The people have spoken year after year, and they love their
CMON MON. Tee up the tunes and take a twirl with me as these guys make you say Sorry Mon!
Fleener! GHOSTING! 1 POINT! CMON MON!
KC D! 1 SACK! 1 POINT! AMIRIGHT! CMON MON!
MARTELLUS! 1 FIST IN THE SKY! 2 POINTS IN THE AIR! CMON MON!
JARED COOK! COOKING WITH GAS! 1 POINT! CMON MON!
BARNIDGE! DICKS OUT FOR THE GOOSE EGG!! CMON MON!
DEZ! THROW UP THE X! THEN THROW
UP! ONE POINT! CMON MON!
Who I like on Monday night, and I mean I’m still double
asterisks coming out of the weekend so Monday night got me GAW:
Ah, perhaps my favorite Monday Morning Fullback segment, the
Monday Night Chief picks. It’s why you keep reading this deep into the column,
other than hoping I squeeze in one more low blow. You never know what level of
jinxy cat I’m going to pull out of the hat here, but I will always put it all
on the line to let you know who the Chief’s got bringing it home on Monday
night. In Harambe vs. Happy, Al is a couple you like that’s away from winning
it. He should seal this one up nicely…Andres has a 10 pt lead with Gurley and
Concussion face still to go but Kebron is getting pretty horny waiting for the
Ben Brown double up. Give me que rico in a squeeker….D$ is holding a 7 point
lead and of course he’s banking on a running back with the initial R. Kelly to
give him that TP2.com, while Rubz has some Hard Knocks defense. This one is a
coin flip, I’ll go with Rubz as he’s got the hot hand in the streets…
Final Note: Like every year, I want to encourage each and
everyone of you EXCEPT RUBEN MICHAEL MORENO AND DANIEL EDUARDO FERNANDEZ to
post as much as possible. Feedback, trash talk, ideas, Andres ramblings, who’s
Davey hounding, JP going Wayne Brady, D$ Honky Herald, Smitty’s previews, you
name it, we want it. We don’t have Jav around anymore to post awesome stuff and
p0rno, so I hope this season brings out a new level of participation from
everyone.
Final Note II:
The following cheap skates still owe 50 towards the weekly
high point: Ruben, Richie, Andres, D$, Kebron, Al. Please use your venmos for
something other than O.T. Genasising.
-KC CHIEFS
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