MMFB WEEK 1

Vol 8.  No. 1

Sit back, relax kick those feet up. I'm about to take off.

It is with great honor and pleasure that I take to the Avenue this morning in celebration of Machucando’s favorite (only) weekly column, that’s right, the Monday Morning Fullback. What started in earnest as just an amplified platform to shit on Ruben is now….and amplified platform to shit on Ruben. Times change, rules change, seasons change, rosters change, but there’s one thing that certainly doesn’t. And that’s that come Monday, you can rest your weary eyes on this here page for a time honored roasting of this league’s members, both on and off the Machu field.  

The MMFB is the easiest column to read from a mile away. Have you buttered me up, gone balls to wall on the weekend, folded like a lawn chair in our match up, kissed my ass, thrown me something, attacked one of my multiple enemies, or gone above and beyond for the league? Congrats. You should, barring a swinging pendulum of untrackable Monday crankiness, rest easy with the MMFB. Have you crossed me, double crossed me, gotten extremely lucky in our matchup, aligned against me, created an alliance against me, sucked on your thumb all weekend, sold out, thrown me nothing or sat on your fat ass when it comes to Machu? Congrats. Come get your whoopin.  

So, let’s get to why you are here…a small sampling. Let’s crack open a sixer and, please don't you dare lie.

1.)    Davey: Wow. I haven’t seen a jewish person be terrified like you were on draft night since the Savannah Welcome Reception after ripping the G-Pen with cross eyed Chi-Chi outside and entering directly into the contingent from the North East pressed against the door. You literally took a flight to see everyone bid one dollar more bc your coin purse was clutched tighter than your brother’s attempts to squash those black face pictures from hitting the internet.

2.)    Rene: Nothing like having nine people furious with you 72 hours before the draft. We had a swat team parked outside your house that consisted of what might have been Andres with panty house over his dome, but was really his ball cap to keep that cheap rug on his head. The fires have been quelled by the blizzard you brought with you and the excellent hosting / grilling yesterday, but I haven’t forgotten a single thing since 1989 SO.

3.)    Kebron: The league has been around for 10 years and you’ve partied post draft with us NEVER. Tell those kids you coach to come to the draft next year and serve as butler’s man. Rene’s house is going to need a cleanup crew when we ransack it and cheap labor is appreciated.

4.)    D$: What can I say to that guy that has threads with 100s of savages calling him out on his own message board titled “D$ is the best talent evaluator.” Oh, that’s right. Stop eating shit on your Hurricanes boards and bring those comments over to the Machu message boards. We saw your 19 waiver wire moves this preseason. Let’s get you here at that frequency.

5.)    Raul: I was all set to dress you down after you denied me like Peter did Jesus on Friday night…but then you go and totally redeem yourself. We won’t see you for the next 40 days physically, but we are always just 1 post away from having you swoop in mad as hell from The Jacksonville Landings.

6.)    Richie: The only thing that pisses me off with your Saturday night Gator takes while you “work” are the Suckdown takes on a Sunday knowing you are basing them off an app providing fractional scores or looking through the window of a miracle mile pharmacy at a standard definition tv set like some newspaper selling vitamin d deficient kid in the prohibition era. GET A TV IN YOUR HOUSE MAN. Before you tell me to walk a mile in your shoes, I have and didn’t like it:

ONTO THE GOODS

3 UP

KC Chiefs – Current Mood:

Frozen and on top Champ. Fueled by croquetas de la casa, I couldn’t have asked for a better start to the Machu calendar. My Woodpecker start decision in the face of shrugs and laughter was met like feedback from those who have actually seen my pecker, shrugs and laughter. My team is thinner than Rubz on date night, but so far, I will take that all important week one dub and see the rest of you in places where only bad things happen i.e. anywhere your hallpasses, which range from weekly to some, to b-annual for others, fall.

Sgt. Mafiol – You should be hands down in 3 down for taking a knee on week one, but this is the MMFB and the 3 up celebrates greatness. No league member has risen to his calling over the past 40 days like this guy. Again, totally putting aside his dog shit team and transgressions vs. the league and my throne. I refuse to take into account your team has more broken down saggy nuts than El Gato on a Tuesday. No sir, not here, not today.  Risen from the ashes like a phoenix and hitting puberty at 31 has catapulted Rubz to the top of the life standings carrying on the celebration I echoed on Draft night. Sticking and moving for hall pass opportunities, stepping up for Machu on draft night, throwing his auction strategy in the toilet so we all had better teams, I can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on like a Wednesday night in South Beach, but for now, puff that chest out and walk tall my friend…this ones for you

The Den – An easy call for the final pat on the back. Javers did what any man with common sense would do at draft. Bring a 12 foot Dolphins branded binger and park right in front of that thing to keep everyone else out of sight and out of mind. Extra credit for hitting flush on Dfern this week. Extra Extra credit for setting us up with that Reality Kings or Brazzers password by close of business this week.

1 DOWN (Al, Kebron are the other 2 with teams are a dumpster fire)

Sucka Free- A no brainer and one I have to volunteer at the risk of upsetting my constituency. One would think someone teetering on league expulsion would have a little mea culpa to give to the people on draft night, alas, there was no such apology shared, which leaves the MMFB in a tough spot. The people were expecting and ready to accept a coming to Jesus from Dfern, but instead, received some crunk justified yelling for  decisions made. Redemption Tour’s 1,2,3, 3B and 3.5  have crashed and burned really hard. 4 is receiving some early traction out of the gate per league sources, but I am doubling back on that to confirm and should have more information next Monday. That said, I would expect a continued rough going in Machu through October 26, for obvious reasons. I invoke the time tested words of this guy right here for the defending champ:

The next section in the MMFB is usually named after someone who did something out of this world moronic or was a complete asshole during the offseason. In the past, moves by Andres, Rubz and Dfern have anchored this space. So yeah, no brainer we are naming this section after Dfern again. I introduce to you to the section for the guys who balled out and earned themselves a vacation, even though they are tapped out on those days.

THE VACATION DAZE ALL-STARS

 

Marcus Mariohsomeoneisgoingtouseawaiverwireselectiononthissaviorta

Tom Brady

Matt Forte

Nuke

Sankey!

Eifert

Gronky

Safari Jenkins

That’s right gents, it’s the year of the TE. Hope you have a good one and didn’t pick up Larry Donnell.

And this section, use to change as well, but the people have spoken and they demand their steel drums in the MMFB. That’s right, it’s time for some CMON MON. Conductor chief readies his orchestra, begin playing at :46 seconds.

 

Peydone – 4 piece Wendy nuggets with papaya dipping sauce. CMON MON!

DJax – If only his hammies were like yours. GOOSE EGG! CMON MON!

Decepticon – 4 piece in a shoot out. Ay mama. Team killer! CMON MON!

Duke Johnson – WHAT ARE THOSE!!!!!!!!!!! 2 points! CMON MON!

Frank Gore-  Watching those Colts goalline opps as Frankie was chillin hurt Al to the core. 4 piece CMON MON!

Who I like on Monday night, and I mean, WHO CARES. I WON.

Ah, perhaps my favorite Monday Morning Fullback segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. It’s why you keep reading 1,318 words later. Who does the big chief got bringing home the bacon on a Mondee. There’s only game in the balance as Andres is down 12 with Julio, some Coleman guy and his kicker vs. Dinero who’s got Jordan Matthews and Rudy. This matchup is FAU-UM. Que peste.  Make Machu great again – Dinero write’s something 2016 for the win.

My final note….please feel free to keep an active presence on the message board. Machu’s finest moments always play out it in the eyes of the people. There’s no better moment than getting that email from Yahoo saying a message has been posted in Machu. You guys know what it takes to elevate the league. Three teams are in shambles! People are on the fence for road trips! Wh Be about it!

Till next week,

 KC