MMFB WEEK 13

Vol. 7 No. Wha?

OHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHH! THERE HE GO. THERE HE GO THE CHIEF RIGHT THERE! HOT DAMN THERE HE GO AGAIN!! BULLY!!!!DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP!.........

(Checks standings). Wait…? But I thought. What had happened was. Oh my. I feel silly now. Is there any way for me to redeem yesterday’s gluttonous red zone feast? No!? Alrighty then, there went my Sundee.

While a meaningless week 13 across Machucando may have been shunned by most, I made sure to enjoy every last crack of Gronk ass in my last week of standings relevance. A year in the cellar chock full of miniscule moral victories that no one gives a flying shit about. I hear you. Unfortunately for you, this is my column!

Here’s to lightly shaking the Smitty monkey off my back. Doesn’t mean a thing except for the tiny historian in all of us akin to Rubz pulverizing me finally this year. Here’s to the KC Chiefs stalwarts, chosen in a delirious but still somehow able minded state in the latter rounds of the draft: Ahmad Bradshaw, Jeremy Hill, Mike Wallace and Julius Thomas. Here’s to not having to feed this group one crumb at next year’s disaster of a draft. Here’s to rejecting 947 trade requests from Andres. Here’s to selecting another rookie for the league who probably won’t be back next year. Here’s to having an ironic stake in every player wronged by Commissioner Fidel Goodell this year: AP, Ray Rice and Josh Gordon.

Rene, Davey, Dinero...grab a cold one and meet on the docks. 

Onto the goods!

Actually, scratch that. No one gave a hot pepino about this week, so instead, I will just rattle off my personal ‘rooting for’ hierarchy of the Machucando playoffs. Please note, this is not to be taken as an analysis on the strength and weakness of your squads. While I may know more than all of you combined, I will not be providing an illiterate run on story of matchups ala Andres. This is purely personal and rankings are made strictly in order of which potential champion will infuriate me more. Got it? Good. From who I’m rooting for most to least.

1.       Kebron- Could this be the year? From a Week 13 backdoor sneak that somehow overcame a goose egg from Jimmy Graham and eliminated Rene from playoff candidacy to having Waiver Wire gifts drop on his lap all season, this could be a Cinderella season for baby bro. CJ Anderson, Ronnie Hillman, Justin Forsett….the RB1’s that have been laid before thee have been too easy. I can’t stomach too many people bringing home the belt, so if I can’t win it, I know where I want it: Abuela Milagros house. Old lady is blind as a bat, she may where that shit to the comedor one day by mistake. Give them hell K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.       Big Jav- Not many people have been through as much in the history of Machucando than Javers. He’s active, he’s gone. He’s booted out, he power moves his way back in. He starts players on bye weeks, he refuses to pick up studs on the waiver wire. But through it all, the man has shown has dedication to Machu. Be it through constant porn upgrades, to regular message board participation, no man has won as many games in Machu and never brought home the belt. Here’s to Jav Marino having the big turkey bowl game Costa bear never had. Win one for the bigguns. (Puts on Hitman heart shades, pats you on the back, skates with you hand in hand)

3.       Andres- I’ll never forget the smile on those pearly yellows when he won last year. His hair flowing like Fabio, the glimmer of quiche in his eyes as a cool 1K sat before him. Andres stands poised to join the lofty ranks of the two timers, and has been chirping in my ear all year about how bad he wants it. He was the first to show up on draft day, several hours before everyone, unprepared with no mock or research done. He came hungry. Literally. He offered to take Toby for a walk and scoop up his shit with his barehands for a 39 cent McDonalds cheeseburger….that’s hunger my friends. Here’s to Andres joining the Two Time champ club, winning the purse, and quitting his recently acquired job on the financial security of championship winnings to fall into another sweet tailspin.

4.       Dfern – A coin flip between 3 and 4. Coin landed on heads, naturally, and Andres' coco gets the nudge by a hair. A lone hair. Like Andres, another dunce eyeing the two-timers table. Look, it’s hard for me to endorse these guys knowing they would be adding another ring while my lone ring stays frosty, but despite his horrible team and yearlong over achieving, I have to salute those who don’t just talk about bringing something to the boards like SOME PEOPLE, but follow through. Dfern ran away with the greatest boards addition award this year with his moments in Machu history, and I believe there is a cosmic richness in that in the spirit of Otto Knows. Dfern also served as tremendous predraft advisor, and didn’t stab the league in the back by voting to dissolve the league i.e. auction draft. All this stuff matters folks! Dale huevo Dfern.

5.       Richie – Wouldn’t this be something. The man with his foot out the door has one foot aiming for King Chief’s cheeks. No one has ever joined this league and ran away the belt in year one. Alas, the Commish values loyalty, and it for that reason alone that I slot these long time Machucando veterans over the Sunday Suckdown. It’s a win / win for me and a lose / lose for you. Regardless of what happens, I will be mad at you for personally slapping me in the face this season.

6.       Raul – Nyo mah god. We’ve now reached three timer territory. And Smitty reaching these heights would reach an emotional level of me completing the undefeated season. Wouldn’t be surprised to see him walk away after this leaving you all to rot in your perpetual, decade long, fantasy failures. A year long vacation from the undeserving. I was fully prepared to do it. But Smitty ain’t that greedy. He will come back and you will all hear about it for the rest of your Machu lives. Sucks for you guys!

7.       Ruben – You were hoping for the ole jinx weren’t you. The last to receive the Chief’s blessing in the chase for glory? Not so fast my friend. I’m rooting for you with .3 % of my being!!!  No one has been through as much ups and downs in Machu over the years then Big Rubz, and I personally prefer to see those downs continue for many years to come. Until you get thrown own for a future predraft stunt of course. (of course.) The countless hours of prep. The refusal to lavish me with endless praises like all others. All of it for naught! Throttle this squad will you somebody!

8.       Big Al – From being banned for 11 strong weeks in the MMFB, a banned that was only lifted because he left the country, which somehow made me feel at peace, to constantly chirping for weeks about me, my commishood and Machucando as a whole being a fat piece of shit, this is the end of days. The last of the potential three timers, we could be looking at an Armageddon scenario here that flies in the face of all things Fantasy Gods. How can one be rewarded for doing so little. Man, my ass is chapped just thinking about it and the seeding hasn’t even been finalized. I bet you’re in last place in the A-1 Allstars Man’s Man God Save the Fair Dear Commish league. There has to be a balancing out. And indeed, there will be. Congrats Big Al on championship number 3!!!!!!!!!

Till next week’s Hall of Champions.

-KC CHIEFS