MMFB WEEK 1

Vol 6. No. 1

MONDAY FUCKING MORNING…OR AFTERNOON…OR EARLY EVENING.

Halle-fuckin-lejuah we made it. Not only did we make it to September and week 1, but yes indeedy, it’s another banner year of Machucando’s appointment toilet reading column, the here-yee, here-yee of HATE: The Monday Morning Fullback. Now celebrating its 6^th birthday, this bad boy has come along way. A lot has changed since year one where it was just POOP humor. Now, it’s like poop humor mixed with hate or the poop equivalent of a turd with a peanut in it. How’d that thing get in there? Who knows, but it’s there and it hurts. 

So where do we begin? Best to begin on a note that has me reeling to this minute, Saturday morning at Sun Life Stadium, which saw 3 / 4 of Machucando throwing down boberias for hours on end. There is no stroking the kitty to be found here for a Gators perspective. Allow me to ruminate:

Nostra-dinero’s ruminations were spot on, as a whole. “You guys legit have the No.1 defense in the country, and the No. 126 offense in the country.” I am not a Hurricane, so barking on the statistical moral victories will do NATHING. The Gators need playmakers on offense, period. However, the tailgate was a success and hats off to everyone who left it out all there, specifically Mario Enriquez who dead, passed out yacking at 9 a.m., only to rally back, literally stone cold steve Austin chug two water bottle and proceed to  Michael Jackson Thriller dance for a crowd in awe. IT'S CLOSE TO MIDNIGHTTTTTTTTT. The lowlight? When I got home, Laura asked me if I ate a shit sandwich at the tailgate? I said no, I had a salchicha cooked to perfection by Rubz. She said, oh, because you’ve been farting serin gas for the past 5 hours nonstop. I said, oh well excuse me queen Elizabeth, must have been something I ate….let me go to the living room real quick:

In short, Ruben poisoned me. Davey, I know you went in on a dogger too, please report on the board if you filled your flight with green gas on the way home. Onto the goods!

THREE UP

Dinero- Late to the draft? Fuck it. Paying league fees mid 4 oclockers? PLP. The first 3 up of the season goes to the man dripping in blue cheese. D$ was a Shane Vageen plunge from going All TD’s in week 1, and sent a clear message to Machee in the process: This year, he’s playing for keeps. From a still-riding high Canes victory to a renewed promise to up his Machucando game and participation, all arrows point northward like Kenward for Daniel Money.

Al- The Diablo deucing pura vida mojon finds himself in the two spot where he fits snug as a bug. Powered by Peyton, who went from “what the fuck I do” on draft night to “value baby!” on Thursday night, the reigning Champ gets love today for not only putting up a hefty amount of points, but also, dropping the league chihuaha drenched in houndstooth known as Andres. 

Davey- By a whisker, Davey pounces into the 3 spot led by bout 30 man Aaron Rodgers and Miami’s defense, awww right. He was clutching his groin like the plastic man Amendola for a minute there, but alas, it was enough to take the lead over lechon. More importantly, Davey also finds himself square in the drivers seat for the pole position in papa’s pocket come Tuesday.

 

THREE DOWN 

Rubz- U.O.N.E.O. this one was coming for giving me ricin to eat on Saturday! Lamar Miller jumped off his own bandwagon, Cam outscored derp face turd face Big Ben by 3 points and Ridley got pushed into a timeshare. Arian and the lucky Pierre would need to combine for a 50 piece to salvage a horrible weekend for El Sargento cheesestring, but alas, it’s only week 1 and all the other rabble currently keeping you from going into Panther Coffee like this linesman:

Jav- Oye people! For the second straight year, Jav is heats mcgeets at running back and is feeling the dimple pinch from the outset. There is literally no saving grace or viable option at the rb-2 spot so this should be a GM who will be burning up the hotline this week as well. 

ME- Under de gun on multiple fronts, the Chiefs slides in as the last glove slap, he don’t take that. By hard headness to sit at QB trade talks cost me week 1, and I foolishly opted for starting an RB-2 who didn’t play all preseason versus picking the 1 who steam rolled Arian Foster’s fatback for months. WHY AM I A RANKINGS SLAVE DAMNT. Culo afuera on my end for week 1:

CMON MON

After hearing requests for it all offseason, LO COMISTE is retiring for a fan favorite this year. This is a thick list with more week 1 stinkers than I can remember in a long time, so I have to pick a great one to open the season. TAKE IT AWAY WITH A FULL ENSEMBLE

Isaac RedMON- Negative 1 point. Barely a plug and play for week 2. CMON MON!

AhMON Bradshaw- 2.5 points. I got mallarded and ballard’d. CMON MON!

Lamar Miller- .5 points with no fumble? Ay Mama! Daniel Thomas is the worst vulture I’ve ever seen. CMON MON!

Zach Sudfeld- Gronk.he.aint. GOOSE EGG. CMON MON!

Kenny Britt- Quite pungent. Stings the nostrils. 1.5. CMON MON!

Mike Wallace- Wooo doggie, I ain’t madatcha. Decoy! CMON MON!

James Jones- A regular in this part of the column. GOOSE EGG. CMON MON!

David Wilson- Mr. Wilson!!!! Boom or bust and my lord he busted. NEGATIVE 3. CMON MON!

Who I like on Monday Night and I mean a double dose of irrelevant games:

Ah, perhaps my favorite MMFB segment. The Monday night chief picks. Tones is nursing a 50 point lead on Sergeant Self Slaughter, don’t see time share Foster holding up his part. And yup, this is the only game left in the balance with any implication so HAVE AT IT FOLKS.

I’ll close with an open invitation. Bring your best posting skills to the board fellas, once a week is all we ask for!

-KC CHIEFS